I thought the next letter would confirm the date of my journey to my new life, to meet my new family, but the letter that arrived was from his sister, who told me with great sorrow that Mr Fraser had died of a fever. He had worsened quickly overnight, though he had seemed to be recovering, and died the next morning. She and her mother were with him. He told them to tell me he was sorry to let me down and he wished me every happiness. They invited me to see them, to attend his funeral with them, but it was too much for me to bear; to have been surrounded by strangers, to meet people who could have been my family, to see what life I could have had if God had been kinder to me.

Because we were only engaged, I was not allowed the same rights as a widow to grieve. Only my aunt, my sister and my friend Mrs Ainsworth even knew. We’d not announced it yet. If we had been married, they would have accepted me as Mrs Fraser, the widow.

Just a few weeks later, my aunt insisted that I accompany her visiting. She wanted to get me out of the house and my misery, a secret misery that only she truly knew of. Although she had not been there for many years, she made us call in on the Listers. Awfully, at meeting Miss Lister, and her kissing me, my mind swayed from grief to joy in such a quick time that I lost myself to it and forgot I should be sad.

Miss Lister does not know of my bereavement; I have never told her. How wicked of me! Perhaps I do not deserve any friends at all.

Chapter Six

Chapter Six

Autumn, 1832: A new retreat for hidden encounters at Shibden

Miss Lister

Autumn sets in. Summer has passed in a blur since I secured Miss Walker’s kisses. We are now almost daily to-and-fro between our homes and sometimes meeting in between where our lands meet, keeping up our public appearance with tea with my family, her aunt, who slowly seems to be warming to me, and mutual friends like Mrs Priestley, whilst always contriving to be alone. She even came into my bedroom last week and we got to a bit more than kissing, but I must bide my time with her as she never truly relaxes. She seems to close up and fall silent but does not seem to have the words to explain. I believe she is conflicted, as many women are, about what is natural, and despite my reassurances we have not got much further than kisses and fumbling, but I have a solution to that. Unfortunately, as I am not the sole owner of the estate, I had to ask permission.