I believe Father always knew I would never marry a man; I find them repugnant. I am happy in the company of a few, such as my late uncle who allowed me to stay here at Shibden Hall when I was younger, and my beloved brother Samuel, who was so cruelly snatched from us. I can entertain an intelligent man, but most of them have wandering eyes and hands and are driven by just one thing, surrounded by their own self-worth, always looking down their nose at others, especially women. They believe women are to be impressed and conquered, whilst inside us all is the same mind and intelligence. Men, though, are governed by their bodies and what power they can attain over others through money and position. They claim women as their wives and preside over them and their unfortunate children, whilst they are unanswerable to anyone but themselves and God, who seems to allow them to act as they please.

I am envious of men’s freedoms to do as they please but do not wish to be one. I wonder if they are all as frustrated as the women they marry? Perhaps no one has pleasure with one another, excepting what is necessary to procreate. I wonder, are there only a few of us who have any pleasures of the flesh at all? I’ve met women older than me who have never even touched themselves. No one tells us what pleasure is so freely available; it remains instead a secret we may only learn by accident. It is male pleasure we are informed about, male pleasure that is gossiped about and focussed on, as though women are merely vessels for childbirth. If it were spoken of more and we were all happily pleasuring ourselves, what need would we have of men? I have heard from others who have lain with men that it is quick and uncomfortable. Although we are supposed to fit together as God intended, He also generously gifted us with an ability to not need the other for pleasure. Yet women risk a child, out of wedlock even, for quick pleasure which could be attained alone or with another woman with no threat of a child, and without having to endure male company. It is not the forbidden fruit, for it serves no evil.

If God made me, He must intend me to be as I am. If so, can He judge me for how I behave, when I did not choose this form? I did not ask for a heart that loves only women. How can it be a sin to pursue how I feel, when He made me feel this way? These thoughts are not new. With each relationship they resurface. Questioning. I wonder what Miss Walker thinks of all this. Or is she entirely innocent and virtuous?

Miss Walker