Chapters (60)
- Cover
- Books by Sheryl Browne
- Dedication
- KARLA
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Epilogue
- The Affair
- Hear more from Sheryl
- Books by Sheryl Browne
- A Letter from Sheryl
- The Babysitter
- The Second Wife
- Acknowledgements
Bracing myself, I check my watch. I know exactly where Jason is right now. He’s doing what I begged him to do: ‘selling his soul’ to my father. He doesn’t want to do it. He’ll be feeling utterly humiliated, thinking he’s lived up to my father’s low expectations of him, perceiving himself as having failed in his fundamental obligation as a husband and father to provide for his family. And I’m about to do this.
Swallowing my deep sense of shame, I close my eyes. I have to do it. I have to know. I can’t carry this around, and I can’t confront Jason with accusations fuelled by my father. I just can’t.
Attempting to still the nausea churning inside me, I key in the security code, take the stairs and swing into the tiny foyer of Upwards Online. I need to act naturally, be the bubbly me, not this uncertain, wretched creature I suddenly feel I’m becoming.
‘Hi, Rachel,’ I smile cheerily at Jason’s marketing manager, who works many more hours than she should, as she comes out of the main office to head for the loo. She’s very young – early to mid-twenties, I guess – and extremely pretty, I notice afresh, and immediately wonder why she pours so many unpaid hours into a company she has no vested interest in.
Taking a deep breath, I try to shut it out, this suspicion that seems to be blooming into some hideous thing inside me, but I can’t. I am so wound up I can actually feel my heart thrashing against my chest.
‘Hi, Karla.’ Rachel smiles easily back. ‘Jase is out, I’m afraid.’
I notice the familiarity, too. I’m bound to, because of my bloody, bloody father, a man who’s never rated my husband, who’s looked for ways to pull us apart ever since the day he met Jason. Why in God’s name am I listening to him? Because I can’t live with this doubt. As I admit that to myself, I realise part of me believes that my father might be right.
‘I know.’ Answering Rachel, I push determinedly on. ‘I’m not after him. I’m after the use of his computer. Job application.’ I offer the most plausible explanation I’ve been able to think of for using Jason’s office. If she or Mark mentions my being here, I can bluff my way through it; tell Jason it’s a better paid job at a rival housing association or something, thus the need for secrecy. I’d rather that than try to bluff my way out of why I would be checking his laptop while he was sleeping.
‘Ah, got you.’ Rachel goes for it, assuming I wouldn’t want to apply for other jobs from my work computer, as I’d hoped she would. ‘Good luck,’ she says, behind her.