Chapter Twenty

Heidi

Now

‘The roads will be icy,’ Kathleen says. ‘You’d better be careful if you’re heading out in it.’

She has barely spoken to me since our earlier conversation in the kitchen and the drama of me cutting my finger. She keeps looking at me, though, and I don’t like how exposed I feel.

‘I think maybe I’ll stay here tonight,’ she says to no one in particular. ‘The chances of getting a taxi won’t be great.’

‘We can drop you to Pauline’s,’ Alex offers.

I don’t give out that dropping her to Pauline’s will take us at least ten miles in the opposite direction of home.

‘I wouldn’t want to put you to any trouble,’ she says, her voice meek.

‘It’s no trouble at all,’ Alex says.

‘You’re very kind,’ Kathleen says, yawning again.

She’s exhausted. We’re all exhausted. None of us are sleeping well. I can tell just by looking around the room. Dark circles and bags under our eyes. Pale skin, bodies stiff with tension. We’re no further forwards in coming up with a cohesive plan about Joe’s care, but we are at least faking an air of mutual respect. No, not respect. Tolerance. We are tolerating each other.

‘You go on,’ Ciara says. ‘We’ll stay here tonight, Stella and I. In the spare room.’ She looks me square in the eyes as she says this.

Is she marking her territory on this house? Still sore from my outburst yesterday. I’ve apologised so there’s nothing I can do, or am willing to do, to appease her further.

‘Well, we should get going, then,’ I say, more keen than ever to get away from this house and the stifling atmosphere.

‘I’ll get Lily from upstairs,’ Alex says, standing up and stretching before going to get Lily from my old bedroom.

I don’t want to be left alone with the others, so I set about packing up Lily’s things and putting my coat on. I’m in the hall, cramming a pale pink blanket into the top of her changing bag, when Alex appears at the top of the stairs. His face is pale, his eyes wide. He isn’t carrying Lily and for a moment I feel my heart sink to my stomach and fear grip me.

‘Lily?’ I mutter. ‘Where’s Lily?’

I feel my head start to spin. Why doesn’t he have Lily? The look on his face. Something bad has happened. My knees start to go beneath me. He can barely speak. He shakes his head slowly.

I think I might throw up. It feels like minutes, hours even, are passing when really it can only be a second or two. Then he speaks.

‘It’s Joe,’ he says.

A guttural cry breaks forth from my chest – and it’s not for Joe. It’s borne of relief that Lily is okay. Ciara comes out of the hall to see what the fuss is about.

‘What is it?’ she asks, her eyes darting between Alex and me.

‘He’s dead,’ Alex says, matter of factly, as if he can hardly believe what he is saying. ‘Joe’s dead. I’m so sorry.’ There is a tremor in his voice now.