Nonetheless, sitting in the living room of my childhood home, holding hands with my husband and waiting for the police to arrive, I can’t help but offer up a silent prayer.

Please, I beg, please just make this nightmare end. Alex is not a bad man. Alex doesn’t have it in him to be a bad man. ‘Please, God,’ I beg, ‘don’t take someone else I love from me.’

Ciara is restless. She is pacing up and down the living room, chewing on her thumbnail. It’s doing nothing to soothe my nerves. She’s looking a little manic again. Then again, I’m feeling a little manic myself right now. She jumps with every noise. Alex is silent, but he is wringing his hands. The only person daring to make a sound is Lily, who has started to fuss as if the tension is nipping at her, too.

I jump when I hear a car pull up, and again when I hear the car doors slam.

‘It’s DC King and DC Black,’ Ciara says as if it could be anyone else. ‘I’ll let them in,’ she says and I turn to Alex, tell him I love him and we’ll get through this. That he did nothing wrong and they’re bound to find that out in time. The coroner has made a mistake. Something was very wrong with Joe when he died and yes, Alex was there, but he didn’t kill him. Not calling for help is not the same as killing someone.

He squeezes my hand back and tells me he loves me too, and that he’s sorry.

That’s all we have time for before the two police officers come into the room, followed by Ciara.

‘Alex, Heidi,’ DC King says, nodding her head in greeting.

‘Do you mind if we sit down?’ DC King asks.

‘Not at all,’ I say, and I can hear the tremor in my voice.

I can feel a panic attack threaten. This is worse than anything I could’ve imagined.

DC Black is the next to speak.

‘You’ve asked us to come here because you say you have more information for us about what happened here on the night Joe died.’

Alex coughs, a little nervous splutter. ‘Erm, I need a glass of water,’ he says and Ciara says she’ll fetch one. ‘My mouth is very dry,’ he explains. ‘Really it’s me who wanted to talk to you.’

‘It’s okay, Alex. Take your time,’ DC King says.

I like her. She’s friendly. A gentle soul. I don’t know how long she’ll stay friendly or gentle for, though.

‘Should we maybe get a solicitor?’ I ask Alex suddenly. I’m nervous about how this will go down.

Alex shakes his head. ‘I’ve nothing to hide. Not any more.’

I can’t help but think of all the things that have been hidden. If I’d told him before now, on my own terms, would I have had the strength to break contact with Joe altogether? Would this even have happened? Oh God, it hurts that this is my fault. I’ll never forgive myself.