Chapter Fifty-Nine

Heidi

Then

The night Joe died, something felt out of sorts. There was a strange energy in the house, which at the time I put down to the growing tension that came from putting five people who didn’t really like each other, together in a relatively small space under stressful conditions.

I had a headache, one that I couldn’t shift. I’d taken some paracetamol, which is all I was allowed to take given that I was breastfeeding Lily, but what I really wanted was to take something more hardcore to knock me out for a few hours. Since that wasn’t going to be possible, I wished instead for a cool cloth over my eyes. A lie-down in a darkened room. Preferably my own darkened room in my own house away from all of this.

Joe had been in bad form all day. Worse form than normal. Maudlin. Philosophical. Cranky. He didn’t want to be left alone for any length of time and unfortunately for him no one, with the possible exception of Kathleen, seemed minded to want to spend any time with him.

He hadn’t even tried to be pleasant when I’d arrived at around ten thirty that morning – griping that he’d had to wait for his breakfast and was hungry. It hadn’t been my fault I’d been late. Lily had been fussy – teething, I think. She’d thrown up everywhere just as we were getting ready to leave the house and I’d not only had to change her clothes, but bathe her as well. Then it had been time for her feed and well, yes, maybe I had taken some time to myself. But I deserved it. I needed it. I didn’t think, even in his weakened state, coming downstairs and making a slice of toast was beyond him.

Joe punished me for my tardiness by being extra demanding. He knew he could play on my guilt, that I was a soft touch, so he did. He rang that stupid bell so many times that I’d barely had five minutes to myself to run a vacuum round or grab a cup of tea or feed my baby in peace. I’d muttered that I wanted to shove that stupid bell where the sun doesn’t shine at one stage, a feeling of being completely overwhelmed washing over me.

Alex had been at work, Ciara and Stella, too. None of them had the ‘luxury’ of maternity leave to keep them away from their respective jobs. Kathleen had popped in during the afternoon, but then said she had to leave again. Pauline was taking her out for a coffee. Pauline was worried about the strain she was under. I’d forced a smile, but I’m sure Kathleen knew it was far from genuine.

They’d all arrived en masse at teatime and of course I’d felt obliged to make something to eat for everyone – opting for the easy option of a spaghetti bolognese. Using a jar of sauce, of course, because I didn’t have the time to whizz one up from scratch. I barely had the time to bless myself, never mind press garlic.