It was only when the flames started to lick across the carpet that something in me, a survival instinct of sorts, kicked in and I panicked.

I screamed for help, rushing to the kitchen, grabbing a pan full of water that was wholly inadequate and throwing it at the fire. The smoke alarms were pealing at this stage and I saw Joe, his face stricken, at the top of the stairs.

‘What have you done this time, you stupid girl?’

Chapter Fifty-One

Heidi

Now

I can’t let Marie tell Alex about what happened. I can’t let her control that narrative. No doubt she will leave out how completely horrific Ciara was before it all happened. How she had stalked me and humiliated me. She will focus on the fire, the six weeks I spent in in-patient care afterwards. The months in therapy. How I had to miss out on the end of my first year at university and start all over again the following academic year.

I was the demon. Ciara, who had admitted sending all those messages, seemed to be absolved of her sins. She had been drunk. Hurting. And sure, it had been almost two years since the last message.

I got a half-hearted passive-aggressive apology delivered to me while I was lying semi-comatose in hospital trying to find the energy to do anything other than stare at four walls. Joe visited almost every day. It wasn’t out of love for me, far from it. It was because the thought of me being in therapy, of spilling his sordid secrets, terrified him. I saw the fear on his face with each and every visit. I saw the silent pleading.

He needn’t have worried. Despite the gentle probing of my therapist, there was no way I was going to spill my deepest, darkest secrets to anyone. I was still too mired in shame, back then.

But standing outside of the kitchen now, hearing how damaging just one side of the narrative can be, I was starting to think it was time they all heard the whole truth, after all.

But I know that if I lose it now, it will only fuel their narrative that I’m crazy.

Stella is the first to spot me. Her face colours, knowing they have been caught out. She isn’t quite as obvious as to cough or make a dramatic change in conversation but she does say hello. Her smile is soft. Her eyes warm and welcoming. I like Stella. She seems to be a calming influence on Ciara and a nice person. It’s strange in this moment that she feels like the one ally I have in all of this.

‘Heidi,’ she says. ‘You’re here. Are you feeling okay?’

‘I wouldn’t put it quite like that,’ I say.

Alex is staring at me as if he has never seen me before, but he isn’t speaking. I try not to focus on him, because if I do, if I see how disappointed in me he is, I might just break.