Because when I lift my face from the ground, the thing I see on the wall is Sarah smiling at me.

* * *

Hours later, I sit in the chair in the den, my feet pressed up to the seat, hugging my knees. I keep staring at the search engine on the monitor, afraid to type anything.

Every time the screen falls asleep and goes black, I reach out and wiggle the mouse to wake it. I’m not sure if I’ve done that fifty or five hundred times, but when the summer sky begins to darken outside the window, I realize if I don’t look now. I never will.

I type Sarah into the search engine, followed by Griffen, Abby’s last name.

If the chair didn’t have wheels, I might’ve flipped it when I push back, driving my body away from the desk, away from the results.

PARENTS SUE THERAPEUTIC SCHOOL FOR WRONGFUL DEATH OF DAUGHTER.

TEENAGER DIES OF SEPSIS AFTER BEING DENIED MEDICAL CARE WHILE ATTENDING WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS BOARDING SCHOOL, PARENTS ALLEGE.

There are dozens of hits, right in front of me. I bring my shaking hands up, folding them over my face before I inch forward, using the mouse to scroll down, clicking on one.

Autopsy results show that Sarah Griffen died from peritonitis, an infection of the abdomen that, under proper medical care, is usually successfully treated with antibiotics…

I click the back button.

PROBE FINDS NO ISSUES AT THERAPY BOARDING SCHOOL WHERE TEEN DIED; NO STATE LICENSES REVOKED.

Immediately, I jump out of the chair and rush into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet as I violently vomit.

* * *

I sit on the floor of the shower for so long that the cold water begins to soothe the scorched skin the hot water left behind. Goosebumps prickle my legs. I can see them in between the tiny drops of pelting water, but I can’t feel them. Even though it’s been a long time since I had a cold shower, despite all the shitholes I lived in, I’ve had enough that I’ve grown immune toward the icy feeling.

Showers were meant to be relaxing. But while I was at Horizons, they put my system into overdrive, worrying about eyes on me while keeping my ears focused on what might be happening outside the bathroom so I would know what I would be in for when I got out.