Chapters (66)
When I advertised again, I knew what to avoid. Ben was polite and came across as chilled and easy-going. I didn’t foresee him being any problem and thought I’d give living with a man a go this time. It was the best decision I ever made. He paid his rent on time and there were no parties; in fact, if he wasn’t working or eating, he spent most of his time out or occasionally playing his Xbox. The bonus was that he worked nights, normally from around six in the evening until six in the morning. He once told me he was the regional manager for a group of large warehouses in the south-east that contained all sorts of items, from sports cars to designer stock for clothing stores. Items of value that had to be guarded twenty-four hours a day and he managed the night team on the ground and any movements of stock. I was impressed. It made my job seem boring. Although Debbie and I made sure we’d have a laugh most days, even when we were busy.
The day after I made the call to Debbie, I received a bunch of flowers from everyone at work. The delivery man knocked repeatedly, but I couldn’t open the door. I felt paralysed by fear. Instead I hid, hunched in the corner of my room, terrified it was my attacker coming for more. A complete over reaction, I know. The courier left the flowers outside and Ben noticed them when he left for work in the afternoon. The card read ‘thinking of you’. I was touched, but the thought of going into the office made me nauseous. I bet they were talking about me as well as thinking of me. I was doing everything I could not to think at all.
Jane kept in contact every day, checking in to see how I was doing. She sent me a beautiful gift of calming essential oils in pulse point roller balls and comfy pyjamas, knowing I hadn’t got dressed in days. I answered the weekly call from my mother and told her I hadn’t been well, I’d been laid up in bed with the flu. She sounded remarkably sober and gave me the recipe for her mum’s chicken soup, which apparently was the best cure for flu. Her mood dipped as she told me she’d finally emptied Dad’s wardrobe after all this time. I had no energy to talk her out of her melancholy. I felt selfish, as I would usually always try and lift her mood, but I was unable to see past my own darkness.
In four days, I hadn’t left the flat. Ben was doing cigarette and shopping runs although I lived mostly on pasta, tea and toast. I had no desire to do anything.