I hadn’t seen him all week, since the night I’d cooked dinner. He’d obviously been avoiding me, and this proved a good distraction from how the evening had ended.

‘How are you?’ I asked.

‘Good. You?’

I nodded and placed the tea in front of him.

‘It’s the same colour as that bird off Game of Thrones.’ It was then I remembered he had a thing for her. As long as he didn’t think I’d done it for his benefit. My cheeks flushed. Maybe subconsciously I had?

I changed the subject and we talked about going to the cinema. There was a horror film he wanted to see on the big screen. It sounded fun. I hadn’t been to the cinema in ages.

‘You not opened this yet?’ He tapped the letter propped against the empty fruit bowl which had turned into a deposit for junk. It was my psychiatrist’s appointment and I’d forgotten to open it when it first arrived. I ripped open the envelope, the appointment was booked for a week Tuesday. I rolled my eyes. ‘Not going then?’ Ben’s tone was disapproving, and he frowned at me.

‘I’m not sure. What if they lock me up?’ I tried to joke, but Ben’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. He looked concerned for me and I wanted to hand him my heart for safekeeping, but there was too much going on. Too many things I couldn’t tell him. How could I open up and let everything out? I was barely keeping my shit together as it was. But I knew I could trust him and right now he was the closest friend I had. I reached over and squeezed his hand.

‘What’s that for?’ he asked.

‘I don’t know, just for being you. I appreciate all you’ve done for me, I really do. It means a lot.’ It was Ben’s turn to blush.

‘Have you seen Jason?’ Ben asked, his voice strained.

‘No, not for a few days, why?’

‘He asked me if we were a thing, said he was thinking about asking you out. I just wasn’t sure you were in the right place for that.’

‘You didn’t tell him?’ I interrupted. I didn’t want Jason looking at me in the same way everyone else did that knew.

‘No, of course not, I just said you had a lot going on and you weren’t looking for anything right now.’

I moved away from the table, rinsing my empty cup at the sink.

‘I’m not.’

I turned round to face Ben and saw him heave a silent sigh.

‘He’s not my type anyway,’ I added.

‘Just be careful. He’s a player.’

I nodded, I’d gathered that already.

‘He probably won’t even recognise me,’ I said. I couldn’t decide if I liked the blonde but different was good. Different was safe.

18