On Friday morning, Ben knocked on my bedroom door when he arrived home from work. It was an almighty effort to get out of bed to unlock it, but he was one of the few people I was not averse to seeing. He stood in the doorway, dressed in a shirt and tie, his top button undone. Dark circles sat beneath his eyes. His head almost touched the top of the door frame, but his body didn’t fill the width of the space. Hair dark and unruly that he kept short probably for that reason. He yawned before he spoke. It must have been a long shift.

‘Hey,’ he said.

‘Hey.’

‘How are you doing?’ He edged forward, over the threshold, and lowered himself down onto the end of the bed.

I shrugged, what could I say?

‘Jesus Christ, it stinks in here,’ he chided playfully, surveying the mess of my bedroom. He got up and threw open my curtains, bright sunlight blasting through the glass making me squint. He opened the window wide, letting fresh crisp air in before turning to face me, hands resting on his hips. ‘Eve, we need to talk. I know what happened was dreadful, but this has to stop. You’re letting him win if you carry on hiding in here.’

‘Did you bring me cigarettes?’ I asked flatly, holding out my hand, ready to receive.

Ben’s eyes narrowed, and he clenched his jaw repeatedly. ‘Fuck sake. No, I didn’t.’ He turned around, his frustration evident, and stomped into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

I tucked my knees up to my chest and cried. He was right, of course he was right. What the fuck was I doing? I hadn’t washed or changed my clothes since Monday. The bedroom stank of sweat and smoke; the ashtray overflowing and mouldy cups littering the carpet. My reflection was grey and sallow. I resembled a junkie; thin, with sunken eyes and greasy hair.

I crept back out to Ben’s door and tapped gently. A second later it opened, and he frowned at my puffy eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, stepping forward to give me a hug.

I scooted backwards, and he looked away. Mirroring my step with his own.

‘I stink, you’re right, I need a shower,’ I said quickly. Relieved to see him laugh and the awkwardness dispelled. I didn’t want to tell him I couldn’t bear his touch. His kindness overwhelmed me, and I didn’t know what I would have done without him. But he was still a man and I didn’t want to be touched by one. ‘I’m scared, Ben,’ I whispered.