I am in danger of bringing up the bolognaise. My stomach is tightly wound like a spring and I’m assaulted by repeated hot flushes. Ridiculous, given the icy temperature of the cell. My solicitor is right. I have to plead not guilty and stick with self-defence. I may still be able to walk away from this nightmare. Could I afford a proper solicitor, one that is likely to be able to get me off? Or do I stick with my Candy Crush-playing freebie? Can you put a price on freedom? My brain is overloaded. I could do with some more sleep as I got so little last night, but I am too wired to nap. Dreading the knock on the door, coming any minute. My gaoler leading me away. I heave, unable to hold onto my dinner any longer and just make it to the metal toilet before spraying the bowl with half digested pasta. The acrid smell wafts from the pan. I’m in hell.

54

SATURDAY 27 JANUARY 2018

Feeling awkward, I didn’t want to be in the flat when Ben woke, plus there was something I needed to do. I threw on some running gear, grabbed my debit card and phone and headed out into the morning sun. The air was crisp, but there was no frost on the ground. I was so desperate to feel something, anything. It led me to Ben’s door last night and into his bed. I didn’t give him a chance to say no or push me away. I wanted to erase every touch of Ian’s and replace it with Ben’s. I wanted my body to know Ben’s hands on its skin, to remove the imprint Ian had left last year.

A guilty weight thudded in my stomach as I ran. I’d been weak, selfish even. The boy I loved belonged to someone else, Jane was going to be gone for a long time and Mum was starting a new life with another man. I allowed myself a moment to wallow and think about what could have been. How my life could have been different if I’d never been in the park that morning? If I’d realised how I felt about Ben before it was too late? If I’d tried harder to help my mother.