‘Jessie, I don’t agree with you.’ I project with the authority of a Shakespearean actor playing King Lear, surprising not only myself. ‘Yes, spend and enjoy money within limits, but I believe it’s also important to save and invest for the future. It’s a universal law that like attracts like, if you see what I mean. Making money out of money is a way to build wealth –’

‘Hey,’ she interjects, ‘you’re not in the boring old bank now, so chill out.’

Everyone laughs. The raki is burning me up.

‘Well, as I’m the one who’s bankrolled our extended Turkish sojourn and therefore provided this great opportunity for you underlings to sit with the Queen of Tonga, I think it’s about time you brought me some gifts too.’

I have to say, it’s my Ground Swallowing Stanley Moment, which I have to style out or else go walk in the lagoon with two rocks tied to my feet. So I look from one to another, as if to intimidate, starting with Jessie, who looks outraged.

There is silence.

Gülten and Yelmen each put an arm around her shoulders in solidarity. Friedrich looks somewhat proud, as if I’d finally spoken up for the whole of mankind. Christa shakes her head, as if she despaired of the whole of mankind. The two Alexs seem to have just noticed me for the first time, and young Alex is giving me the eye. I’m almost sure of it. The Dutchies give me the kind of filthy look that demotes me to something excremental moulded into human form. The Cow Lady, picking up on the atmosphere, puts her hands to her chest in horror, as if I’ve just confessed to sullying a village full of virgin girls. Sinjun shouts, ‘Oh, drama, drama! Have we got an umpire?’ And so on.

Sunita takes the opportunity to sit on her intended’s lap and force Jessie’s arms around her, until Osman, humming a waltz, grabs a grateful Jessie by the hand and pulls her up into a dance, sending Sunita crashing to the floor.

Jessie says over her shoulder, ‘If it wasn’t for me, he’d still be listening to garden sprinklers every Saturday evening.’

The oracle has spoken.

I go into the cabin with as much insouciance as I can muster, and slam the door.

Wish I were somewhere else

Love,

Whatsisname?

Summer of 1989: Court Budget

Dear Jessie,

MONTHLY EXPENDITURE

INCOME

Analysis: Stanley is at the end of his tether

Signature: Stanley Orville. Cleve Williams, B.Sc. (Quant)

Stanley, dear

REAL BUDGET NOT FANTASY ONE