S She’s so, shall we say, Pre-Raphaelite, only darker, and with much larger breasts (42EE?)

J Stronger than he looks, but not so’s I couldn’t pin him down

S Such chewable lips that seek mine. Such billowy arms embracing mine

J His hands are so sensitive, like radar. Finding my magic spot, heating it up

S My hands warm her breasts. The cup runneth over

J Come and drink your milk-ilicious, Baby-Boy

S Not skimmed, semi-skimmed or fat-free but full-bodied whole: a mouth-watering, lactating fantasy

J It’s long but not as lean as his feet would suggest. In girth, more like bratwurst than chipolata, thankfully. Whatever they say – it does matter

S I’m lying weightless on top of a water bed

J My fingers count each vertebrae down to his coccyx, then circle and …

S I’ve never allowed that before. It’s quite … Oooh …

J If only I had a strap-on

S No jutting-out bones to scrape against mine like hammers and chisels in a tool bag

J Would he let me? Would he?

S Smells of sweat. Tastes of toothpaste. Damn! I forgot to brush mine

J Don’t mind his manky-breath at all. I must be smitten, eh?

S I venture downstairs. The bathroom is so clean and, well, nice-smelling

J As I moan I see us driving down the autobahn at 150mph, whooping it up, deliriously

S I clamber back up. A job well done. There’s pleasure in pleasuring another

J Ten out of ten, my tail-wagging puppy dog

S Now I’m trying to navigate, but you know, sometimes … a guy fumbles

J Let me get you an A–Z, dear. Or should we join the local orienteering society? How about a compass?

S I did tell you I wasn’t Don Juan

J Never mind, I’ll be your Girl Guide. Arkala!

S She’s saluting. She’s cracking me up!

J We-Will-Do-Our-Best!

S I want sweet nothings, but all I can manage is You’re really turning me on

J Which is nothing short of unimaginative, Stanley

S When I’m inside her, shall we say, tropical lushness, I feel so … male

J When he’s inside me, I want to pull up the drawbridge and bolt it

S Wanted comfort (100%). Wanted contrast (100%). Wanted to come (100%)

J Come with me, Stanley, dear. Wake up to wide open fields and driving on a road that leads up and away into the heavens

S She opens her eyes and a tear escapes, which she quickly wipes away

J He’s grinning like a teenager what’s just lost his virginity

S We’ve found each other, Miss O’Donnell

J Yes, we have, Mr Williams

S She rolls on top of me and I completely disappear

J Dissolve into me, for eternity …