As much as I was relieved to be out of the AM, it was a bit weird being back in Dr. Bright’s office. I feel like we’d barely gotten started at the whole “getting to know each other well enough for me to really actually tell her stuff” before I just went right back into the extreme level inpatient. But I really do want to do better. I want to be better. And I really wanted to try today with Dr. Bright. I wanted to answer her questions honestly and be vulnerable and maybe even tell her about my dad. And I think I did an … okay job. But I got a little sidetracked.

The conversation started normally enough with her wanting an update on my second go on the rehab merry-go-round.

“I take it your stay at the AM was helpful?” she asked, that carefully neutral mask perfectly situated on her face. I thought back to Owen’s dream, the glowing, sunny version of Dr. Bright who smiled freely and wondered if that person was a figment of Owen’s imagination or someone who truly existed.

“Yeah, it was.” I nodded. “I think it was the right call, going back in.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said, giving me a warm smile that felt genuine but wasn’t nearly as easy and natural as the one I’d seen in the dreamworld.

I meant that. Despite the fact that it hadn’t been an exactly … relaxing stay, what with the first week of what felt like the worst kind of withdrawal and the second week of those twisty and unpredictable dreams, going back to the AM had been the right choice. I was feeling more grounded and centered, had been sleeping more normal hours, was even thinking about going back to Milton soon to see if they’d let me jump back into work, was planning on spending the whole weekend with Emily.

“Could you walk me through your time there?” Dr. Bright asked. “They haven’t sent the file over to me yet.”

“Didn’t Agent Green call?” I asked. “He said he was going to fill you in.”

“Ah. He did. I missed the call and didn’t—” She cleared her throat before continuing. “I haven’t had the time to call him back.”

“Gotcha,” I said, desperate to ask more. “I know that you weren’t on board with me going back to the AM,” I said, like it was my job to defend Owen. “But it did help. I think I needed that week of just no dreaming. It was really hard at first. Empty and lonely and I woke up with that itch under my skin but after the first few nights, I was waking up rested. And actually looking forward to my day. To being out in the world, talking to real people.”