‘Michael, I’m really sorry for what happened tonight. I wish it hadn’t. But I’ve been so excited to have dinner with you and I hope we can still have a nice time?’ I take a small, delicate bite of my sandwich and make sure my mouth doesn’t open as I eat it. He takes his time, but eventually backs down.

‘OK. Thank you for saying sorry. And please, no more of that … nonsense. OK?’

By ‘nonsense’ I presume he means sex toys. I nod my head and smile.

‘So how cute was that picture you sent me of Tommy in the park? That squirrel was so close to him, amazing how tame they are.’

He cheers right up.

‘I know, and if Tommy was any bigger I’m sure he would have grabbed it.’

We sit in the cafe for a further fifteen minutes, talking about nothing but our baby, because when we talk about anything else, we realise we have nothing to say. When we get home – we were gone just over one hour – Janet is watching EastEnders and barely looks at me as she leaves. Michael walks her home. I go straight to the kitchen to retrieve my vibrator, but she must have taken out the bins, and rooting around in the outside rubbish looking for a sex toy is not a low I am willing to reach right now.

Upstairs, I take off the body-con dress and put it in a bag ready to take to a charity shop. I rub cream into my sore feet and set my alarm for eleven p.m., when I will give Tommy a dream feed.

Tonight didn’t exactly go to plan. I have zero chance of getting laid. And what a waste of a perfectly good vibrator.

Lauren Pearce – Instagram post

@OfficialLP

The image is of Lauren, she is lying on her front on a bed, her body reflected in a large gold-framed mirror. She’s reaching forward, holding the phone to take a selfie. The angle is just right, so you can see the curve of her hip and the top of her bottom. Her feet are raised and cutely hooked together. She is looking seductively into the camera, as if it is a lover. She is alone. There is a carton of coconut water next to the bed.

The caption reads:

Happiness and hydration go hand in hand. I don’t feel myself if I don’t drink enough (and no, I don’t mean vodka LOL). Taking care of my body and my skin helps me to feel good. I start every day with a #FRESHCoconutWater #AD #Cocofresh #selflove #reachout #mentalillness #hydrate #vegan #women

@turningup286872: Thank you for being you

@kellyheap: Is all you do drink drinks? Smoothies, coconut water? Can we see you eat a bloody meal please?

@HowdyMunchBrain: Twat. You have the perfect life. Get over yourself.

@Flickerlights-off: Queen.