@peachybell2: Easy for you to say with a bod like that. If I wore those pants I’d look like a hippo at a fancy dress party.

@nevergonnabutimight: You’ve got no idea about power. You’re marrying power. Go get your botox redone and shut up.

@jessicachimesin: Thank you for being you. So inspiring to see a woman loving herself. You are everything I want to be.

@quertyflop: FAKE NEWS

Beth

After receiving Michael’s text, I slump into my chair. Risky clocks it.

‘Oh no, he didn’t like it?’ she asks, obviously seeing the heartbreak pouring out of my eyes.

‘No, he loved it. Yeah, I’m just nearly out of battery.’ She comes over to me with a charger and plugs in my phone. She has my back on so many levels. As she walks to her desk, I blur the lines of boss and employee as casually as I can.

‘So …’ I say, trying to be all blasé about it … ‘What kinda vibrator ya got?’

I nonchalantly start to finger some paperwork, and then bam, a small, pink-silicone, bullet-shaped battery-powered device is waved under my nose.

‘It’s the best!’ Risky says, testing its various speed levels. I am hoping she washed it. It is very close to my face.

‘Oh cool,’ I say. Choosing not to tell her I have never actually owned one.

‘Yeah, it’s small enough to fit in a clutch bag. I can take it everywhere.’

Seriously, how often does this woman need to orgasm?

‘Lovely. What brand is it?’ I ask, pretending not to care very much.

‘Oh, I don’t know. I got it on Amazon. I’ll send you the link.’ She skips back to her desk, but just before she sits down, she says, ‘Actually, you know what? I have another two at home. You have this one.’

She holds it out for me to take. I just stare at it.

‘Come on, have it.’

I pull my sleeve down over my hand and take the vibrator.

‘Thank you,’ I say, awkwardly.

‘Great. You’ll love it. Let me know when you’ve had a go.’

‘I absolutely will not.’

‘Beth, being a woman is hard enough, the least we can do for ourselves is make the most of the precious gift we were given.’

‘The precious gift?’ I ask nervously.

‘Yes, our clitoris.’

‘Ah yes, of course.’

She hasn’t finished.

‘So much of society is geared towards empowering the male sexual experience. The penis is overexposed. Figuratively and literally. The penis is unavoidable, therefore it gains power simply because of its literal presence in the room. Our vaginas are hidden away inside of us. They need to be released into the room. And that starts with us.’

She is standing up, looking thoughtfully into the middle distance like a footballer at the beginning of a game while the national anthem plays.

‘With us?’ I ask.