Personally, when I have too much childcare, I start to feel like the nanny when it’s my turn to take care of them. It’s happened a few times when I’ve been on a really intense deadline and Mary and Chris have been doing the lion’s share. By the time Saturday morning comes, I’m all out of kilter with them and it’s really stressful. I think a lot of parents who work long hours would probably say the same thing. The less time you spend with your kids, the harder it can be to spend time with them. However, we both have to work, and that is exactly the shitty ‘guilt’ feeling that people talk about. I swore I’d never feel it when I got pregnant, but I do, I feel it all the time. When we got childcare, I felt guilty that they were in the house with her, while I sat in the office doing my job. IT IS SO STUPID. And it goes on … If for any reason it hasn’t been me who baths them and puts them to bed for say, three nights in a row, I feel awful. If I am not the one organising their meals, I feel guilty. If I have a busy work week and then there is something happening at the weekend which means I needed more help, I feel mean. I know Chris goes through exactly the same thing. His job can often take him away from home for long periods of time, him hopping back at the weekends. He parents harder than ever while he is home to make up for being away, but of course he feels guilty that he is away at all. But hard work affords us a life we all love. I know the kids won’t remember the times he is away, or the nights I have to work late, and they’ll just have the happiest memories of when we are at home. But still, guilty guilty guilty, all the bloody time.

People say parenting is hard and there are so many reasons why that is. The literal, physical effort that it takes to look after small children. The emotional effort of taking care of older ones. The lack of sleep. The financial pressure. The need to reach a compromise with your parenting partner, if there is one. The working, the socialising that you deserve but don’t get to do. Balancing it all can feel impossible at times. Guilt is just a part of it. Whether it’s about the kids, your relationship, or your friends that you never see and can’t be there for. Guilt. All the time. I’ve got so used to it being a part of my day. At some point, before I go to sleep, I will inevitably feel like total shit about something.