‘But I was looking forward to giving my grandson a bottle. Oooooh,’ she says, like I was walking towards her with an ice cream that I dropped just before it reached her mouth.

‘Beth, is it OK if Mum gives Tommy a bottle?’ Michael asks me. My boobs are so full, I’ll have to pump. Which feels so stupid when I am in the room with my baby. But anything for an easy life when it comes to Janet.

She comes over to Tommy with the bottle, picks him up and starts to feed him. The milk in the bottle looks different.

‘Wait, that milk is so white,’ I say, knowing my breast milk is usually a little more yellow. I look over into the kitchen and see an open box of formula on the counter. ‘Is that formula?’ I ask, the ball dropping.

Michael says nothing.

‘It’s good for the big babies. They need it. I didn’t breast feed Michael,’ she says. I know this because she brings it up a lot. Every time we see her, in fact. It isn’t normal for a mother of a forty-four-year-old man to repeatedly talk about not breast feeding him. I think she feels terrible about it and has spent Michael’s entire life trying to make up for it by being extremely overpowering and offering regular foot massages.

‘Michael, we didn’t discuss this? I’ve been pumping like a mad woman to keep the supply up. There’s still a load in the freezer, why are you giving him formula? NO, Janet, get that bottle out of his mouth. Is that the first one or has he been having it without me knowing?’ I ask.

‘First one,’ Michael tells me, and I feel relief that I intercepted at exactly the right moment.

Tommy starts to cry. I made him jump and he is starving. Janet hyperventilates like I’ve attacked her. ‘Michael,’ she screeches. I didn’t even touch her.

‘We said we would keep going with breast feeding until he was six months. I’m happy to keep pumping, why aren’t you happy to keep giving it to him?’ I ask Michael. He looks like a bullied kid, being forced into admitting to something by a strict teacher. ‘My maternity leave is coming up. I want to breast feed my baby when I’m not working in a few weeks. Can we not just stick to the plan, it’s all that’s getting me through being away from Tommy this much?’

‘I never breast fed any of my children and they are all perfectly fine,’ Janet says, getting her breath back.