Ah was going to get round to asking her before ah goat diverted by … let’s just see … before ah was diverted by Amber’s KB; whoa ya fucker am ah in touch with my feelings or what, but it’s all right and ah shout: – Hey Ally, ah’m sexually jealous of you, and he pouts and comes over and gives me a hug and Amber does too so ah should feel good but ah feel a bit of a cunt for making them feel bad because ah discover that I’m no really sexually jealous of Ally who’s a smashing lad as Gordon McQueen on Scotsport would say but only he’s no oan it now it’s that Gerry McNee gadge that gets tae say it now, and the other radge who writes aboot the fitba n aw that’s on it as well, but as they boys would say: ah wish him every success, etc., etc.

– Amber’s saying she’s intae firing intae ye, ah tell Ally.

Amber smiles and pushes me in the chest. Ally turns to me and says, – The important thing, man, is that ah love Amber, he wraps his arm around her. – What happens sexually … that’s just detail. The important thing is, man, that ah love everybody that ah know in this room. And ah know everybody! Except these boys, he points to the crusties who are skinning up in the corner. But ah’d love these cunts as well if ah knew them. Ninety per cent of people are loveable, man, once ye get tae ken them … if they believe in themselves enough … if they love and respect themselves, eh …

Ah feel ma face opening up like a tin ay sardines as ah give Ally a smile and then ah turn to Haze and say, – Let’s go for it …

In the bedroom Hazel struggles out of her kit and ah get out of mine and we’re under the duvet. It’s too hot to be under the duvet but this in case any cunt comes in, which they will. We’ve got the tongues working hard and I probably taste very salty and sweaty cause she does. It takes me yonks tae get an erection, but that doesnae bother ays because I’m mair intae the touching oan E than the penetration. She’s gaun pretty radge though and ah manage tae bring her off using my fingers. Ah’m just lying their watching her orgasm like ah was watching her score for Hibs. We’ll just play that one back again, Archie … I want it tae happen for her seven times. After a while, though, ah start to feel something happen and ah have tae stop and get out and rummage through my jeans.

– What is it? She asks, – I’ve got a condom here …