Nukes is up for a blaw. It’s strange that Nukes is such a peaceable guy who would never think of ever getting intae bother outside the fitba. Saturday though, it’s all different: a different Nukes comes out to play. But no now. He’s taken a back seat oan everything since the polis clocked him. I’m a wee bit stoned. I’m really better talking tae Ally aboot affairs ay the heart, but Nukes is pretty cool.

– See, Nukes, ah’m no used tae this game, eh no? Ah mean ah’ve nivir really been in love before so ah dinnae ken whether or no it’s real love, the chemicals or just some kind ay infatuation. There seems tae be something thair though, man, something deep, something spiritual …

– Cowped it yit? Nukes asks.

– Naw naw listen the now … sex isnae the issue here. We’re talkin aboot love. Electricity, chemistry n aw that – but beyond that, cause that’s sex, just the buzz. But ah dinnae ken what love is, man, likesay being in love.

– You wir mairried wir ye no?

– Aye, donkey’s years ago, but ah didnae have a clue then. Ah wis only seventeen. Aw ah wanted was ma hole every night, that wis the reason tae git mairried.

– Good enough reason. Nowt wrong wi yir hole every night, eh.

– Aye, aw right, but ah soon discovered that, aye, sure, ah wanted it every night awright, but no offay the same lassie. That wis when the trouble started.

– Well that’s mibbee it but, Lloyd. Mibbee you’ve jist found the definition ay true love: Love is when ye want yir hole every night, but offay the same lassie. There ye go. So did ye git yir hole offay this bird then?

– Listen, Nukes, thir’s some lassies that ye git yir hole offay, and there’s others that ye make love tae. Ken what ah mean?

– Ah ken that, ah ken that. Ah fuckin well make love tae them aw, ya cunt, ah just use the expression ‘git yir hole’ cause it’s shorthand and sounds a bit less poofy, eh. So where did ye meet this bird?

– Up The Pure, eh. It wis her first time there.

– It’s no a stoat-the-baw job, is it? That’s your usual fuckin style, ya cunt!

– Like fuck, man, she’s aboot twenty-six or some shite. She wis mairried tae this straight-peg, n she just fucked off and left him. She was oot wi her pal, jist her first or second time eckied like.