@Katie Michaels

Welcome to the world little guy! You have changed our lives forever and forever! Our life before will never compare to this amazing moment! WE LOVE YOU!

@Lucy Lominer

I have started a crowdfund for donations for mine and Michael’s honeymoon. Even if I haven’t spoken to you in a while, I would really appreciate anything you can spare for our dream holiday :-)

I need a break from the dreaded scroll and other people’s stupid lives. I decide it’s time to have a social media detox because it is driving me up the wall. The pregnancy ads. The announcements. The bumps. The engagements. The constant couple selfies. The ‘I said yesssss!’ staged pics. I put on my big camel coat over my unwashed pyjamas and walk to the local corner shop. I pick up some milk, crisps, measly bits for dinner and a random glossy magazine, and tuck it under my arm. When I get back upstairs, I flick through the magazine and begin eating crisps out of the big bag, getting crumbs everywhere. As I turn the pages, it’s mostly inane celebrity gossip and questionable agony aunts giving young people questionable life advice (‘Just stop buying avocados and then you might be able to get on the housing ladder!’). And, then, in the back pages, I see her. Like a magic poof of smoke, she appears. A photo of Cyril Snow. A smiling woman with wonky, glistening teeth, long thick grey hair, sitting on a clean white sofa, next to a huge plant, wearing bright red trainers. My eyes widen with intrigue as I read the advertisement.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FERTILITY ADVICE?

For the first time in YEARS, renowned homeopathic fertility expert Cyril Snow is opening her doors to new clients. Having only taken on a small number of repeat VIP clients for the past few years, Cyril is looking for a handful of new private clients, on a first-come, first-served basis. Cyril Snow is an award-winning female health expert with over thirty years of experience within the wellbeing and fertility sector. Are you struggling with your fertility or personal wellbeing? Cyril wants to see you. Go to CyrilSnow.co.uk for more information. First appointment is a one-off ‘chemistry session’ to test the waters. Get in touch asap to avoid disappointment.

I look down at my ‘I Woke Up Like This’ stained T-shirt and smell the stench of cigarettes in my hair. You know it’s bad when you’re ditching your vape and drunkenly buying a pack of twenty Malboro Reds. Since I split with Jacob I haven’t been looking after myself – not beyond token yoga classes and shellac manicures – and I know something needs to change. Something deeper. Seeing Cyril’s friendly looking face in the magazine ad feels like a sign. Her eyes look welcoming and kind and empathetic. I think of my article on Millennials and motherhood, and the angle that meeting Cyril could add to my work. But, deep down, I know this is more personal. Closer to the bone. I’d love to know if she has clients who feel similar to me, women who are apathetic towards motherhood, or struggling to navigate their future life choices. If I got back with Jacob, I could have my old life back. I wouldn’t be stinking of stale smoke, I wouldn’t be sitting here alone feeling helpless and desperate, and I want someone to just take over the reins of my life – Cyril feels like as good a bet as any. I open my laptop and place it on my stomach as I lie down on the sofa. Biscuit crumbs fall out of the keyboard.