‘The next time I see you, you’ll be … a mum!’ I say.

‘I know, eeeeek! Love you. So nice to see you, Ol. Remember … I’m here if you need me.’ She smiles and hugs me before waving me off – she’s a ball of excitement.

I walk down the street to Barons Court Tube station with tears prickling in my eyes. I’m so happy for Cec, she’ll be a brilliant mum, I know she will. But I can’t help feeling that her moving forwards is just a reminder that I’m only moving back.

I sit on the Tube and get my notepad out, and start writing before my brain even feels connected to my hand. My old drinking buddy, Cec. My wild friend. The one who would always dance on the tables and never wanted to go home. Now, she stays in all the time, she’s pregnant and burns scented candles. But she seems to like her new life, the choices she’s made. So, what do I really want? Perhaps there is a different future out there that I’m taking for granted. I stare into the distance and struggle to re-focus, the baby/no baby dilemma rearing its head.

Pros for having a baby:

1. I’d get invited to stuff more – such as, but not limited to, mothers’ meetings, children’s birthday parties, picnics in the park etc.

2. I would feel part of the gang and not like a total gooseberry (see point one)

3. I would feel this ‘different kind of love’ that people always talk about

4. I would feel more ‘normal’ in my life choices and wouldn’t have to make up fake life milestones at reunions

5. I know what my future would look like ‘on paper’ – and I would feel part of a bigger family unit

6. I could find a way back to Jacob. Maybe

Cons for having a baby:

1. NO SLEEP!! (I LOVE SLEEP)

2. I would be constantly unsure if I truly did actually want the baby – like is it peer pressure? Wouldn’t that be an awful reason to have a baby?

3. Life would be sort of ruined (my bank balance would struggle A LOT)

4. I would feel trapped in general and I wouldn’t be able to put myself first or make spontaneous travel plans

5. Long, stressful, screamy airport visits and flights

6. I could regret it and be one of those anonymous mums on Mumsnet pulling her hair out and saying she wants to give it back

I look down at the list. Six pros, six cons. Oh. Crap. Maybe I’m ‘on the fence’. Am I on the fence?

‘It was around puberty that I became consciously aware that I didn’t want children, and I haven’t changed my mind since.’

Michelle, 27

7

2011

‘Let’s see the ring then!’ I grabbed Bea’s freshly manicured hand. ‘Oh Bea – it’s lush! Absolutely gorgeous.’

‘Thank you, I love it. It’s a bit different I guess!’ The ring was a deep blue sapphire with small diamonds around the outside. ‘Well done Jezza, he nailed it,’ I said.