I’m still seething as I get on the bus home. I WhatsApp Colin – an unlikely oracle, but I need someone to offload to.

Me: Oh my GOD just went to see that Cyril woman I was telling you about

Colin: The fertility woman?

Me: YES. She made me feel like a freak. That I was going through a ‘phase’ and for a price she could ‘convert me’ into wanting a baby – it was actually kinda gross??

Colin: Jeezuuuss. Isn’t it odd how some human beings make their money? How does she sleep at night?

Me: Seriously

Colin: It was a bit weird though, Ol. Going to see a fertility expert when you don’t want kids

Me: I needed some perspective! Besides, she was pushing the whole ‘homeopathic’ approach on her ad. I’m a sucker for that stuff

Colin: Wait was this for an article for the mag?

Me: Nope, spent my own cold hard cash on it, but I might pitch it to Gill

Colin: Youch $. Yes. You should

Colin: How are you feeling now?

Me: A bit stupid for doing it. But OK, actually. Do I care if some homeopathic woo-woo woman thinks I’m not living up to my full human potential – no! Do I want to live my life in a way that suits me? YES

Colin: Exactly. And also even bad experiences make great anecdotes as Caitlin Moran would say

Me: Definitely. Makes me realize that splitting up with Jacob was right. My feelings are valid. And that woman Cyril is BANANAS

Colin: That shit IS bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s, as Gwen Stefani would say

Me: Thanks Col

Colin: Anytime. Go and have a nice G&T, and immediately wipe this Cyril woman from your brain please

Colin: RELAX – as Frankie Goes To Hollywood would say

Me: omg please stop quoting people *laughing emoji*

I want Colin to think I’m fine. That I’m tough, with my outward-facing armour on. Why can’t I even admit the truth to him, the most relaxed person I know? Yes, the meeting with Cyril was silly and flippant, a bit of an experiment. But really, if I’m being truly honest, I have a feeling it’s going to take a while to wipe away the feelings that Cyril stirred up in me. She made me feel wrong. She made me feel overdramatic. She made me feel like I had no right to explore my fear. Even though I don’t want a baby, I have to admit that I am petrified of my own uncertainties, the demons that might come back to haunt me later on in life. The fact that Jacob is moving on, and I am still in the same place.

‘Are you really viewed as any less of a woman because you don’t have children? What do you think?’

Coleen Nolan, Loose Women, 2016

24

2018

We were out at a sushi restaurant celebrating because Cec had been given a promotion at work. I didn’t know much about the legal firm hierarchy system, but I did know that she was now only one step away from becoming Partner – which was the ultimate dream goal.