25

2019

It’s the night of the CFBC! The night I’ve been waiting for. I’m on the phone to Bea, who promised to come for moral support.

‘Looking forward to seeing you later. Thanks for agreeing to come with me,’ I say. ‘It genuinely means a lot.’

‘Of course, love – I always want to support your work.’

‘It feels a bit more than just a work assignment though, I’m excited to go and meet these women.’

‘Yes I know, but it’ll be exciting to research won’t it?’

‘Yes – but I also feel excited about just checking things out. I think I’ll take a lot away from this, Bea.’

‘I thought you always tried to stay neutral when writing an article?’

‘Bea, this isn’t something I can be neutral about – it’s like I said, I’m not sure if having kids is for me, so this isn’t just a work thing.’

‘Sorry yes, I know I know – let’s chat more later,’ she says.

‘All right, see you soon. By the way, Colin is coming too!’ I say.

‘Amazing!’ she says, then hangs up. I can’t help but feel slightly annoyed by her flippancy, assuming this is only a work project.

Bea is staying the night at my flat afterwards, so she comes over to dump her bags before we go. She puts on a layer of lipstick in the bathroom mirror.

‘So I did something a bit weird the other day,’ I say, hovering by the doorframe.

‘Oh yeah?’ Bea says, rubbing her lips together and putting the lippie back in her pocket.

‘I went to see this hippie homeopath woman. About the fact that I’m not getting, you know, the baby urges.’

‘That kind of thing doesn’t sound like you,’ Bea says, turning to look at me.

‘Yeah well, Jacob has a new girlfriend and it has sent me slightly loopy.’

‘Oh Olive. Really? I’m sorry. That must feel way too soon.’

‘It really does. How can he flip the switch on his feelings like that? Nine years with me, and now, suddenly, he’s into someone else? It’s only been a few months.’ I feel my eyes water. There’s something about talking to close friends that brings these emotions out in me, even if I think I’m controlling them.

‘I think people move more quickly when they are older. More decisions to make, you know?’ Bea says, calmly and gently.

‘Anyway, tell me something good. How’s Jeremy?’

‘Well,’ Bea takes out a clip in her hair and readjusts it. ‘Unfortunately, not great, actually.’

‘Oh?’ I say, genuinely taken aback.

‘Yeah, things aren’t good at all, to be honest, Ol. But I’m just putting it down to “married life”. You know. We’ve been together for so long and marriage is hard.’

‘Yes, of course. Anything in particular that’s bothering you?’ I probe, gently.

‘Nah don’t worry about it, forget I said anything, it’s just us being boring married old fogies. It can’t be passion and fireworks the whole time I guess.’