‘Who needs a velvet couch anyway? And I hate that duck-egg colour you’re clearly obsesssssed with,’ I shout behind me.

I make my way outside. My phone is blurry. I press Uber. I sit down in a small patch of grass outside Cec’s house and suck on my vape.

‘No vaping on the property,’ a voice comes out of nowhere.

‘Eh?’ I look up and see a very hot man with a beard and a checked shirt.

‘Only joking.’ He waves his vape at me.

‘Right,’ I say, rolling my eyes.

‘Are you OK? Can I help with getting you a ride home?’ says Checked-Shirt Guy.

‘Why would you do that?’

‘Just wanting to check you get home safely. It’s pretty late, and you seem a little—’

‘I’ve got an Uber coming, thanks.’ I gesture out towards the road. ‘Wait, I seem a little what?’ I slur.

‘Nothing. Cool.’ He takes a puff of his vape.

The Uber rocks up and a woman in a baseball cap puts her lights on and hollers ‘Olive?’ out of the window.

‘That’s me!’ I shout back at the car. I turn around to this random guy. ‘I don’t need a man, or a baby!’ I tell him as I trail awkwardly across Cecily’s front lawn, trying to reach the Uber.

‘Sorry?’ the man shouts, not hearing me.

‘Nothing!’ I giggle, and burp, finding myself hilarious.

Hot Checked-Shirt-Beard Guy does a little salute, I get in the cab and frown through the window at him before he gets smaller and smaller and is eventually out of sight. Bit disconcerting when people are randomly really nice like that.

I pull out my iPhone and open my ‘notes’. I write: ‘I’d rather freeze time than my eggs.’ Sounds poetic. But then again, I am very drunk.

20

The next day, I wake up with an excruciating headache. When was the last time any water touched my lips? My tongue is furry, my throat is sore, and my stomach is rumbling, even though the thought of food is making me want to vom. I am only able to open one eye as the light seeping from the blinds in my bedroom is so bright, adding to the throbbing pain in my temples. I pick up my phone from the floor: 10.03 a.m. There is a wine glass next to my bed; I faintly remember getting a bottle of wine from the fridge and finishing that in bed. Oh dear, oh dear. I see there’s a notification in the group WhatsApp chat, making my stomach lurch. I go and make myself a cup of tea before crawling back into bed to face up to the damage I did last night.

00.30 a.m.

Bea: Ol, did you get home OK? Pls let us know.

00.34 a.m.

Bea: Hello? text us when you’re home.

08:02 a.m.

Bea: OL?

10.30 a.m.

Me: Sorrrrrry just seen this. I’m alive. Just woke up. Feels like a diseased pigeon has died in my mouth