‘You’ve been a bit … off lately, Ol. Are you OK?’ he said, turning on his feet.

‘Have I? Since I came off the pill to change to the other one, I do feel a bit weird.’

‘You said it was being on the pill that made you act weird though,’ Jacob laughed.

Why wouldn’t he understand that being on the pill and off the pill and in between the pill all means I have an excuse to act totally loopy?

‘Please don’t make me explain my behaviour, J. My body is confused right now, as I am fucking around with all these different pills. I find it so unfair that women have to go through all this palaver. Men don’t have to inject their bodies with all these bloody hormones.’

‘Sorry,’ he said.

‘It’s OK,’ I said. ‘I just got freaked out the other day because I read that the pill I was just on has given a load of women blood clots and one woman died recently from it. There’s just always something to worry about.’

‘You sound like you’re very anxious again at the moment.’

‘Maybe I always am.’

I have issues with the pill and I am also allergic to latex, so no condoms for me. I was floating around in no-man’s-land, in no-contraception limbo.

‘Does this mean we can’t have sex at the moment?’ Jacob asked gently.

‘Yes, sorry. Actually, wait, I’m not sorry. I shouldn’t have to apologize for being out of action for a bit,’ I snapped.

‘I wasn’t expecting an apology. I was just asking.’

‘Yeah, well, you’re going to be on at me to get myself sorted quickly, aren’t you, so you can get your end away. It’s all men think about. Sex sex sex.’

‘Ol, that’s not very fair.’

‘Well it’s true. You’re just concerned about getting your leg over.’

‘What the hell, Olive.’

‘Sorry,’ I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth. ‘I just feel really vulnerable and weirded out right now. Maybe it’s my hormones or maybe it’s just me.’ I put my head in my hands.

‘I was actually asking because a) I’m interested in how you are, b) I’m your boyfriend and c) … I actually thought that we could discuss the idea of having sex, you know, without any protection,’ he said.

Then there was a massive, massive silence.

‘Oh …’ I close my eyes.

‘What?’

‘Can we just lie down next to each other in bed for a bit?’ I asked.

I was feeling really out of control and the thought of having sex made me petrified. With my boyfriend. Of almost a decade. The idea of getting intimate with him was suddenly sending me into nervous breakdown mode. It hit me that I was having the opposite problem to a lot of other women I knew in their thirties. Whilst so many of my friends were paying extortionate amounts to increase their fertility and chances of pregnancy, I was swatting away my partner’s penis like an annoying fly. I didn’t want to chance it. Whilst Jacob seemed to feel the opposite. It struck me that whenever we saw any friends’ babies, Jacob would hold them so naturally. The babies would always warm to him, he was just a natural, making silly expressions that they loved and giggled at. I would smile along, but it always felt like I was hiding something – like I was a fraud.