• I’m still in love with Jacob.

• I feel like my friends are abandoning me and moving on without me.

• I have zero maternal feelings.

• I am noticing that my forehead and hands are getting wrinklier by the day.

• I’m genuinely baffled as to how most people seem to skip out of bed each morning and get on with things.

The next day, still shaken, I decide to work ‘from home’, i.e. my bed. I lie there, prop myself up with a big cushion, and realize I should probably change my sheets. My phone vibrates on my bedside table, startling me.

Cec: ‘HELLO guys just a quick update – Chris is driving me to hospital right now! Baby INCOMING – it’s happening!’

Bea: oh my god!!!!

Cec: Chris is speeding lol hope we don’t get pulled over

Bea: Well you have the best excuse if you do!

Me: Wow! Keep us updated!

Isla: ♥♥♥♥

Cec: Am I ready for this???? I think I’m ready!!!!

Bea: You are so ready! SO EXCITING CEC

Cec then goes quiet so we assume she’s, you know, literally in the middle of it all. I wonder how she’s feeling. I don’t know what it’s like being pregnant (obviously), but nine months sounds, in theory, like a long enough time to get your head around having a baby. But perhaps until it’s out, in your arms, it can’t feel real.

I hate not knowing what is happening to my friend. The hideous online anecdotes from my late-night Googling about birth stories come back to haunt me, even though I try to block them out. Time ticks by painfully slowly the next day at work – I find myself checking my phone every two minutes. Finally, twenty-four hours later, we hear something from Cec. It feels like an eternity. God knows what she’s just been through. Did time stop for her? Or did it go by in a hazy whirlwind flash?

Cec: Guys, he is here.

Cec: He’s amazing.

Cec: I … made this! I MADE A HUMAN

Cec: shares 16 images

Cec: shares 4 videos

Bea: OMG He is GORGEOUS! LIKE HIS MOTHER

Isla: Totally delicious Cec, huge congrats to you both!!! Ahhh those tiny little hands.

Me: Oh Cec, I’m crying. He’s beautiful. I can’t wait to meet him. Hi Oscar!

Seeing how happy Cec is, how in love she is with her new baby, gives me knots in my stomach. I’m happy and excited for her, but a slight edge of jealousy creeps in too. I just can’t help but wonder: maybe if I did want a baby, I would still be with Jacob, and my life wouldn’t feel so tangled up right now.

The flat feels so different without Jacob in it. Outside my window I see bustling outdoor seating areas of cafés, people on bikes with baskets on the front, and greenery from the park over the road. I always hear kids playing, people roller-skating, families laughing and groups of friends singing. I used to find it inspiring and uplifting when Jacob lived here, to hear life going on outside. But now it’s a stark reminder of how much I am missing out on, as I continue to drink alone in my flat instead of going out at weekends. Everything feels like it’s hit a dead-end. No Jacob, no future. I know I have to imagine a different life for myself now, but it just feels too hard. Some days I’m fine, some days I’m really not.