“Well, first an artist, then a teacher. But the point’s the same. I wanted to create things of beauty, not strive for perfection.”

Stuart never wavered from being the man he was that night. A hopeless romantic, looking for true beauty in the world.

I was drawn to that optimistic worldview like a moth to a flame, even though I was never truly a holder of the faith. Prosecuting comes with the occupational hazard of seeing people actually become their worst selves. On some level, I always knew that would someday be true of me too. But I was thirty-seven and realized that the window for starting a family was fast closing. Stuart seemed to be my last, best chance at having a regular life, and he loved me with more passion, more ferocity, than any man I’d ever known. It was almost as if I thought that love in a marriage mattered in its totality, so that Stuart’s overabundance would make up for whatever I lacked.

22. ELLA BRODEN

22.

ELLA BRODEN

I always begin the transformation to Cassidy with music. My phone even has a playlist entitled “Cassidy.” Three such playlists, actually. Tonight I put on the one that starts with “Sympathy for the Devil” and wonder why I’ve never covered that at Lava.

With the music blaring, I start by applying makeup. It’s the eyes that make Cassidy. Smokey and dark. Tonight I decide to make them metallic too. The first time I did Cassidy’s makeup, I actually followed a YouTube tutorial. By now I’m an expert, and it takes me less than five minutes to establish that sultry-and-dangerous look that Cassidy rocks. Once my lids are fully painted, I put on false eyelashes. They’re the longest I could find. The lipstick tonight is blood red. That’s actually the name on the tube. I paint my nails a matching color and then hold my finger to my lips to admire how closely I’ve matched the hues.

My face and nails done, I do Cassidy’s hair. It’s actually the easiest part because it amounts to little more than shaking my head vigorously. The idea is that she should look as if she’s just finished having great sex. I haven’t cut it since I began performing, and in another month or two it’ll actually be the length I’ve always imagined Cassidy would favor.

Last is the clothing, or more accurately, the costume. Tonight I want to wear color. That narrows it down quite a bit, as most of Cassidy’s wardrobe is black. But there are two items of a different palette in my closet to choose from: a body-hugging gold minidress, and a backless red dress with a plunging neckline. I reach for the red.