I recount our discussion from a week or so ago, struggling to remember if we had it before or after Lauren’s murder. I think I impart it faithfully, although perhaps Gabriel would disagree.

“What do you want to do?” Allison asks, getting right to the point without the usual detour into why I might have said whatever I said.

“I don’t know.”

“Tell me how you feel about the decision, then.”

“That I’d rather not have to make it.”

She looks at me with comfort in her eyes. It’s a maternal look if ever there was one. “What’s holding you back?”

“It makes me feel . . . I know this is silly, but like I’m being disloyal to Charlotte.”

“Tell me more about that,” she says in her therapist tone.

“It’s a simple equation, really. I’d never be with Gabriel if Charlotte hadn’t been murdered, so I’m directly benefitting from her death. You know the way couples have these great meeting stories? ‘We were both on line at the bakery and fighting over the last black-and-white cookie when we decided to share it. He wanted to give me the chocolate side, but I said we should each get half of each . . .’” Allison finds this amusing, perhaps because I said it in a whiny voice. “My origin story with Gabriel is that my sister was murdered and he was in charge of the investigation.”

“To me, that’s far more compelling than sharing a cookie. Gabriel was there for you at the worst time of your life. You saw how he could be nurturing and compassionate and a true partner for you. What’s wrong with that?”

“If Charlotte were still alive, I wouldn’t have any of it. I told you, didn’t I, that I dated Gabriel briefly a few years ago?” Allison nods to affirm that this is not new information. “So, I had a chance with Gabriel earlier, but I threw it away because I was too . . . high and mighty to date a cop. It took Charlotte being murdered for me to come to my senses.”

“Ella, you’re not the same person after Charlotte’s murder. Every way you see the world is different now. That includes how you deal with men and what you’re looking for in a partner. But I’m curious as to why you view this as some type of betrayal. As I see it, it’s a wonderful gift Charlotte has bestowed on you.”

I don’t have an answer at the ready. That’s not for lack of trying, as I’ve considered the issue many times before. I know Charlotte would be happy for me. In fact, the very last thing I can imagine is that she’d want her death to deny me anything.

“I just do” is all I can think to say.

25. DANA GOODWIN

25.

DANA GOODWIN