10:46am: wanted another cigarette three drags into this one. Would it be good to just smoke five simultaneously? Is that what I really want? Is that what…all of this…is that the thing that’s going to make me stop wanting anything? It was actually 10:47 when I wrote that, thought ‘it’s okay, it’s accurate, it’s always 10:46 somewhere. 10:46: Beer o’clock.’

11:28am: impulsively pulled into Dunkin donuts. Ordered an everything bagel toasted with cream cheese and medium coffee. Remembered meeting Colin at a Dunkin donuts in Rockaway Park and felt ashamed. He was eating a multigrain bagel. Letting things I want skip away from me. Wish I had gotten multigrain, knew everything would have too much flavor for me right now. Have just been driving around since whole foods. Saw Ana Carrete posted a picture of food in a McDonald’s bag on instagram and thought ‘get chic fil a, it’s okay, you deserve it’ then passed chic fil a 20 minutes later and knew I didn’t want it. Pictured bagel ex-boyfriend had the other day. Looked so good. Dunkin donuts. Sat in parked car. Bit bagel like it was a sandwich. Was correct: it had too much flavor for right now.

Re-read parts of this. I seem more interesting and better adjusted when not around ex-boyfriend. A little worried about this. Feel something crippling me right now, knowing soon I’ll be returning ‘home’ to a place where there are mostly memories, scattered evidence of how I’ve been malfunctioning the past few days, year. I’m nostalgic for three days ago. In three days I’ll feel nostalgic for now. Keep smoking cigarettes just because they’re here, they’re preventing me from arriving somewhere.

11:34am: seems way too bright outside. the sky looks broken, clouds are like an oily soap film on water or something. nothing looks right. just noticed christmas wreath on a light on my building. seems like the only appropriate thing. like ‘what the fuck…’ is the only appropriate thing. feeling, as usual, unable to complete tasks i said i’d do. like what is supposed to happen to me today? i’ll write a letter about how i’m good and want to live in an apartment building? then i’ll…print it? somehow? somewhere? the library? then i’ll…find a fed ex? park my car? send it? it’s….already this late, the application? yeah? then i’ll send a check to the truck school, for my loans, three months of loan payments? then i’ll get more birth control? then i’ll get boxes? then i’ll put all my books and things from this apartment into the boxes? the boxes will be moved out of here on sunday? then i’ll write things that aren’t this? then i’ll…respond to emails? i’ll be talking to people, as i’m doing all of these things?