7:30pm: Want to abandon plans and eat alone at the empire buffet and yeah I know that sounds funny or like I’m exaggerating but no it’s not meant to be funny I am serious. Excitedly imagining getting into a little squabble and ‘abandoning ship’ to come back here and buffet it hard.

7:33pm: giant Lufthansa airplane flew over car. So huge and loud. It’s going to JFK. Jealous of everyone on it.

7:34pm: smells like cheap ass Chinese food fried noodles and I love it

7:39pm: THING TO REMEMBER: HOW SICL AND DISGUSTING IT FEELS TO IMAGINE ZACHARY FUCKING THE TWO GIRLS AND LIVING AT JAMIE’S AND NOT TALKING TO YOU

FUCK WHY AM I DOING THIS

ITS NOT LIKE HE LIKES YOU HE ACTUALLY HATES A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT YOU AND SEEMS JEALOUS AND DISCOURAGING PF YOU YOU GAPING ANALLY FUCKED ASSHOLE

HE GAVE HIMSELF A FAKE FACEBOOK NAME WHILE YOU GUYS LIVED TOGETHER BECAUSE HE WAS EMBARRASSED ABOUT HIS IMAGE HE DIDNT WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH YLU AND THINKS YOU ARE NASTY

WHY AM I DOING THIS

7:50pm: ate 1mg Xanax after practicing potential ‘flaking out’ phone call. Stop emotions.

8:04pm: parked near adam’s (where Zachary is house sitting). Texted mira and talked to mom on phone. Feel something strange.

8:05–9:[something]pm: sat ‘airplane style’ with me on Zachary’s legs and arms kind of. Seemed happy to see each other. A baseball game was on, said things about how baseball is boring. Asked him details about having sex with Vic and Candace and sat further away from him. The lights were off. Asked if he liked anyone and he said he was seriously interested in a girl Jamie introduced him to, Beth.

9:57pm: kissing

10–11:59pm: I don’t remember. We’ve been drinking chartreuse, I are more Xanax. We went to a deli and got sandwiches. I got a tuna thing and he got a roast beef thing and orange juice and sea salt chips.

May 21, 2013

MAY 21, 2013

12:00–[unknown]am: had sex. Towards the end he asked why I was crying and I said ‘I miss you.’ He said ‘I miss you too.’ I don’t cry during sex ever, usually, except kind of once when he wanted me to, I wasn’t thinking about that then

Had sex again and didn’t cry but asked to stop because it hurt for some reason. I don’t remember when this happened

[unknown]am: woke to penis in mouth, gave blowjob

Sat on fire escape and held each other. Zachary smoked real cigarette and I smoked e-cigarette. Listened to ‘odelay’ by Beck and talked about songs. Said ‘hi’ to guy smoking weed on fire escape below us to the right. Girl in American flag bikini emerged from fire excape with a flamingo on it above us to the left but she didn’t stay long enough to say ‘hi’