6:42AM: retrieved keys from bedroom and walked away downstairs. ex-boyfriend said ‘peg? where you going?’ i said ‘out to have a cigarette.’ he said ‘you done writing?’ i said ‘no, why, am i keeping you awake?’ he said ‘no, just wondering.’ i paused. i said ‘i can go somewhere if i’m keeping you awake.’ he said ‘no. no. you’re not. don’t.’ i said ‘are you sure, you’re like, yawning a lot.’ he said ‘yeah no it’s fine.’

6:46AM: smoking cigarette in my car. reversed car to accommodate truck making a delivery to corner store. truck didn’t move.

7:34AM: sun rose. macbook resting on storage console near gear shift. second cigarette.

8:35AM: walked inside and updated this. heard ex-boyfriend’s phone alarm and went to bedroom. he was naked ontop of the covers, said something about how i was ‘smokey robinson,’ smoking cigarettes in my car for two hours. i said ‘i only had two,’ and that i’d been ‘making words go type-y type.’ he said ‘i’m going on my bus to new jersey in an hour’ playfully, like a kid bragging about a cavity. in a similar tone i said, ‘o-hhh yeah, i forgot. guess i’ll stay awake so i can drive you to that bus stop.’ he said ‘o-hhh yeah.’

started shivering big time. put on knee-length pink t-shirt and got under the covers. ex-boyfriend grinned at me mischievously and started masturbating. i swatted at the penis like how cats swat at things on the floor. he laughed, said ‘no, get away’ and ‘i got this one’ or something. watched him for a while, unsure where i was looking, thought things like ‘is he joking, should i help or go away, i want sex because i wish he was trying to have sex with me instead.’ rested chin on hand, said ‘you know? it’s just one of those moments. one of those…you want to remember it.’ he laughed. eventually helped with my mouth. when he came he made a noise like ‘waking mid-laugh from what you didn’t know was a dream.’