i went to hold him but it seemed to hurt him to be touched. sometimes he acts like that. he handed me a water bottle and said ‘adam humphreys,’ then ‘’woodcutters’ by thomas bernhard.’ i said ‘oh yes, ‘watercolors” thoughtfully. he laughed. he said ‘it’s really basic when people make fun of nice people. like that painter guy, bob. they make fun of them by making them seem like they’re evil. you know?’ i said ‘bob ross?’ he said ‘yeah.’ i said ‘yeah, that’s like. that’s an SNL thing to do.’ he said ‘i think they did that on SNL.’ laid quietly for a few moments. he sat fast and said ‘okay, okay, shower time, shower, come on peg, don’t you want to shower,’ walking away. i looked at him in interested disbelief, said ‘i mean, yeah.’ felt like i was watching ‘the fisher king,’ that movie, for most of this. like i was in a scene from ‘the fisher king.’

stood and felt overcome with nausea. walked faster. vomited maybe four big vomit units into toilet. said ‘huh. how is that BLT still in there?’ ex-boyfriend said ‘gross.’ i said ‘i know.’ he asked why i threw up and i said ‘’cause i did heroin, i think.’ he made an insane jim carey smiling face and said ‘oh noooooo.’ he said ‘in your car?’ i said ‘no-ooo, in here.’ he said ‘oh nooooo’ and clapped and sort of danced in place in a circle. i sat at the kitchen table shivering. it’s not actually that cold in here, i don’t think. ex-boyfriend turned on the shower and i got in maybe two minutes after him. he rubbed soap on his face and with his eyes mostly closed, said ‘i think i have like, they’re doing something to me, i’m a social experiment, where i end up pickling my insides because they made the world so bad.’ i said ‘huh? you’re. wait, why are they doing that to you?’ he said ‘like how they have veal in cages, getting tender and stuff. they’re doing that to me but like, my cage is just the badness of the world, and it makes me pickle my insides with alcohol?’ i said ‘oh, i see. yeah.’ one of us started singing the smashing pumpkins song that’s like ‘despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage.’ i said ‘it’s actually: ‘despite all my suede, i am still just a rat in a cage.’ it’s about this rat. he just has so much suede, you see? but he’s still’ ex-boyfriend laughed. no urges to dominate the hot water stream this time, though he seemed to kind of let me.