6:39pm: Driving to Wegman’s instead, to buy mom special Wegman’s eggplant dip. Smoking second American spirit menthol cigarette. Listening to iPod on shuffle mode. Feel like I’m launching or something. Liveblog is helping. There are higher stakes if I fail to complete tasks today. Others will know. Saw that Elizabeth Ellen ‘liked’ liveblog tumblr post. Swerved into other lane. Feeling capable and optimistic and like lame and fragile parts of me are being exposed, but am strangely positive about that. ‘Rubber traits’ by Why? is playing. About to turn left, to Wegman’s parking lot. Sky looks like the sky of a day in July 2008, when I had just broken up with boyfriend and walked around 24-hour grocery store, didn’t buy anything, cried driving home, went on cruise to Alaska with family the next day. Parked. Typing is making me equally more attentive and detached about what I’m doing/thinking, like I’m narrating myself from a distance.

6:52pm: zero non-green bananas in Wegman’s. Recognized ‘All the way to Reno’ by R.E.M. on loudspeaker after wandering around produce section for some time. Bought eggplant dip and green probiotic drink. Going to whole foods for bananas, kale and kombucha for ‘flushing green stuff through me’ smoothie. Forget why I’m doing this. Have never tried to live somewhere with an application process involving a ‘committee of apartment people’ reading cover letters. Stressful. Would not be doing this if apartment was not a sweet ass studio on the beach, $750/month. Feeling nonspecifically discouraged, maybe due to adderall wearing off.

7:03pm: drank probiotic drink too fast to taste. Car idling in parking spot.

7:07pm: ‘earth intruders’ by bjork came on iPod shuffle. Chuckled imagining being the emperor of the universe and banishing Brandon Scott Gorrell to a small white room where he has to do…something…for eternity, while this song plays on repeat (I feel positive things about bsg and wouldn’t do that if I was emperor of universe). Considering eating one Molly pill but that’d maybe…I don’t know. Does not bode well.

7:15pm: less than 12 hours until I should leave for NYC. Might email Colin that I’ll come Tuesday, not tomorrow.

7:28pm: pulling in to whole foods parking lot. Texted adderall dealer. Do not anticipate response.

7:33pm: jogged from car to store. Selected kale bunch, bananas, citrus kombucha. Waiting to pay now. Intense neurotic ‘time is running out’ feeling. Jealous of all the people waiting in other lines who don’t have my life. Want to be cradled by something. Thought I saw a ‘new message’ alert flash on kombucha bottle and panicked. Impulsively selected organic energy shot from box labeled ‘try me.’

7:43pm: read supportive emails from Andrea Coates, Masha, more article ideas from Sam Cooke. Responded while driving. Felt something in stomach change after checking email. Drinking organic energy shot.