•  this is hard, honestly seems like the same day, all the days since august 1 or 2 or before that.

•  turned on TV and watched ‘locked up’ and ‘the office’ (new furniture arrangement makes TV feel more inviting, i’ve been watching the TV every night i think).

•  remember this feeling of ‘it’s okay, it’s sunday night’ that didn’t make any sense.

•  periodically wondered if jordan was still coming, i think, or if i had hurt chelsea’s feelings by not responding to her text and not showing up at the party before she left america again.

•  made and drank kale/watermelon smoothie.

•  ate around 100mg morphine slowly, first 60 then 20 then 20, not feeling much.

AUGUST 5, 2013

•  watched the ‘seinfeld’ where george and jerry pretend the limo at the airport is for them and george’s name is ‘o’brian,’ then it turns out o’brian is a nazi.

•  continued feeling minimal morphine effects but wanted to feel something else. tweeted that my tolerance for all drugs i currently have other than weed seems too high for anything to be ‘worth it,’ asked if i should buy beer or smoke weed. ‘weed’ won. smoked in kitchen.

•  remember thinking it’d be funny if someone did a wailing heavy metal guitar solo of ‘the happy birthday song,’ like really wailing, wailing hard…winning pulitzer prize for wailing.

•  walking from the kitchen to the bed, i felt a strong wave of paranoia/anxiety. stopped walking and grabbed counter. face felt hot. tried to discern what i was anxious about, which in itself caused anxiety. seemed like i was mostly anxious about ‘what is happening to my body.’ vision started blacking out in patches that looked sparkly at first, then became dark, then i couldn’t see the room at all, it looked like my eyes were closed. thought ‘this is it, you did it, morphine and weed and nootropics, this is what finally does you in.’ probably fully blacked out mid-walk back to the bed. i had walked from the bed to the kitchen to get my phone ‘just in case’ i needed to call 911 (didn’t factor in phone is broken or that i probably wouldn’t know if i should call until after i woke, which might not happen) before laying down. found bed by slowly walking a distance and ‘pawing’/lightly kicking the air. felt completely blind as i walked. laid down. thought ‘do not go to sleep, you will not wake from this sleep.’ unsure how i stayed awake. vision slowly returned and i felt sober.

•  first thing i wanted to do when i became more awake was have sex/look at porn. looked for a while but it kept seeming gross or…i don’t know. something about seeing the bodies while touching my body. couldn’t do it, but not in a ‘damn i missed out on something good’ way. it more like, ‘no onions on mine, thanks.’