12–3:[something]AM: ate more xanax. watched ‘stardust memories.’ paused it near the end so i could look up youtube reviews of ben & jerry’s ice cream so i could decide what flavor i wanted before i left apartment, to minimize ‘standing around deciding’ time at deli. i don’t think i decided what i wanted, i just left after maybe 30 minutes. bought and ate a pint of ‘chubby hubby.’ pretzels were crunchier than i remembered, they are doing something new to the pretzels to keep them crunchy. it had freezer-burn but i didn’t care.

3:[something]AM–7:14PM: remember waking a few times to walk around or pee then almost immediately return to sleep.

7:15–11:59PM: going to type what i remember doing rapidfire style:

•  woke and wanted to take a walk on beach but ‘seemed too hard,’ then started to become dark.

•  took pictures of my room with the sun hitting the crystals hanging in my window, which make rainbows on the wall. they used to hang in our old house when i was little. mom let me have them. sent pictures to mom to see what she thought about new furniture arrangement.

•  called mom after sending pictures. mom didn’t like the furniture rearrangement at first but by the end of the phone call she was saying, ‘it really does make more sense for a bed to not be in the kitchen.’ remember describing to her, with childish urgency, how it felt like there were three main rooms: the ‘walk-in’ room (contains records/books/record player), the bedroom (contains bed, mirror, closet, bathroom), the kitchen (contains kitchen table and kitchen). we talked for a little over than an hour i think. i asked her to tell the stories behind all the jewelry she gave me. seemed like she’d get sidetracked, talking about their value, which depressed me a little. i was reminded that she wanted me to have them in case i need money after she dies, and that she’d think i’d ever even want to sell it—that some part of her may have thought it could come to that, for me, someday. remember saying ‘i don’t want to hear about that, i’m never selling any of this, it’s too sentimental, i just want to know the stories behind them’ or similar things whenever she’d start talking about how much the jewelry could be worth. she knows a lot about gemstones. she used to write a newsletter about gemstones. she would go to jewelry auctions, to ‘cover’ them, for a newsletter. mom did the sweetest things with her life. she had her own newsletter, they paid her to travel around the world and write about it. other things. she worked in the ticker tape room. all while having my sister…jesus. mom is a very strong person, i think. wish i could’ve been her friend for all of her life.