11:32pm: have been seated. A man asked me if I wanted a drink ‘or wait for company.’ I said ‘a Stella? Artois? Beer?’ he said ‘Stella?’ I said ‘yes please.’ he said ‘okay one minute.’ a woman approached. She said ‘can I get you something from the bar or are you waiting for company?’ I said ‘oh I think he got it already.’ she said he didn’t. I said ‘oh okay, can I have a Stella?’ she said ‘Stella Artois?’ I said ‘yes please. The beer.’ surprised she didn’t ask for id, they usually ask when I seem anxious. She came back and said ‘the beer, right?’ I said ‘yeah, thank you’ and nodded my head.

JUNE 14, 2013

12:45am: heart is pounding like it wants to escape from under skin. Bathroom thing. I said ‘Jesus Christ.’ The pee on the seat. Could not even pretend to pee. How could they leave it on the seat like that. Both stalls. And they saw me coming in, neither of them had finished yet. Horrible dinner talking bad bad bad shit. Now dad is taking forever in bathroom. 12:47. 12:48. Walked to waiting/sitting area. Outrageous…reverse psychology…lying…it’s like a Richard Yates novel or story where you see them be this way and it’s…you can just so clearly see why it’s not working and how neither of them can stop. Then sometimes someone will want to stop, it seems like…and you identify with that person but you can see how the other person just wants to continue hiding in this dynamic, they don’t know how to act another way.

Richard Yates would be able to either write down key points of dialogue or at dinner things that happened that made things bad, or maybe he just lived/experienced those things enough so he was able to totally invent new dialogue or scenarios or whatever but I feel too deep into it that I don’t…I’m not able to detach enough to write about it right now, it feels too bad. It’s like an actual mental block, like a white wall or something. In one of the ‘children of the corn’ sequels the main guy prevents the kids from reading his mind by picturing a wall or the ocean. That’s what I feel like I’m doing right now. This is the most I can say about anything. I’m not saying anything. Currently feel instinctive ‘I want to flee, I want alcohol or drugs’ overtaking thing. Wave of ‘I want drugs’ against a wall. It feels protective or something, to want that. Like computer will overheat if you don’t turn it off. It might be interesting to read the dinner conversation, I’m interested in reading things like that, wish I was a person who could push themself to not do the wall thing. It felt helpful to write this/‘least I can do,’ for now.