•  can go through the storage unit and organize what remains of your stuff so dad doesn’t bug you about the storage unit anymore.

•  can get your health insurance card which will help you when you get that new gynecologist whenever that magical day may be.

•  the drive feels nice.

•  change of scenery and it feels like you belong there.

•  get to party with mom.

WHY SHOULD YOU NOT GO TO MARYLAND:

•  there are at&t stores probably everywhere in new york, all qualified to fix your phone.

•  shirley peed on the mattress the last time you were gone.

•  the last two times you’ve gone you haven’t fixed your phone or printed things like you said you would. you just partied with mom.

•  might be good for you to stay in the same place for two weeks. your apartment/neighborhood might feel a little more familiar if you were here more often.

THESE THINGS FEEL MOST IMPORTANT:

•  getting phone to work.

•  getting away from here.

•  staying here to see if that helps this feel less like a place i want to escape, more like ‘when i want to escape, i come here.’

so sort of at a stand-still. will probably end up going to maryland tomorrow. yeah. here’s my big dream: waking at 9 or 10AM naturally and feeling refreshed, making a little hobby stop at the neighborhood fedex before chugging down to maryland, either arriving before the at&t store closes OR arriving after, having a nice dinner and talk (oh man, if you get there before 7PM you could even go to a YOGA CLASS!!!!) with mom, going to sleep before 2AM without drugs, waking naturally and refreshed around 9 or 10AM on friday, get the at&t store to do their business to you, drop off broken lamp at [location to be determined], bring dad a coffee at his office and maybe talk or go to dinner, then make your merry way back to your favorite beachside hidey-hole.

that’d be okay. that’d be good, if i did all that.

3:49PM: ate 800mg choline, 1.2g aniracetam, 400mg phenethylamine. i started eating similar amounts of these things daily a little more than two weeks ago. that’s not what i wanted to talk about.

as i was spooning these powder thingies onto my tongue and chasing them with water here is what is was thinking:

if someone who’s won the pulitzer prize had to live inside me for a day…it’d be. hm. then they would know what ‘hard’ is. can i make that funny? sounds too ‘mad’…or…complain-y…it’s just not funny. the hard thing is when the easy things feel hard because not only do those things feel hard, most people do them with ease, which could mean or not mean any number of things about you, but it does seem reasonable to conclude ‘there is something dysfunctional about this person,’ especially if there are no real reasons for you to feel this bad. your basic needs are met.