4:00AM: sort of ignored gchat from ex-boyfriend, then responded. he hasn’t yet. washed and conditioned hair. submerged all but eyes and nose under water. felt anemone-like. rubbed fingernails up and down legs and watched grayish flecks of skin float around body. thought about things i said i’d do by monday. replied to two emails with difficulty, typing with one hand and covering an eye with the other. rinsed with fresh water, unplugged drain, toweled dry. ate 1mg xanax.

4:10AM: peeled orange over kitchen sink, feeling calm and warm but also ‘is this…too much…does ‘too much’ feel like this?’ pictured dad in the morning, using garbage disposal and announcing ‘oranges smell good’ like he did earlier tonight, only i’m dead in my bed.

4:30AM: researched heroin/xanax interactions. seems like i’ll probably just sleep a lot tonight. probably wouldn’t hurt to vomit.

4:42AM: used variety of finger pressures/speeds to encourage chunks of mostly undigested fruit into toilet bowl. saw a little fresh blood on thumb. used to be able to vomit by like, tickling the back of my tongue. drank water and jumped/twisted abdomen, to stir anything that had settled, then kneeled for ‘the final emptying.’ legs felt weak. vomit was pretty, shades of orange. realized i was looking at it without thoughts/emotions, but some similarly dominant level of brain activity. flushed toilet. brushed teeth, washed face. ate raw ‘go pecan pie’ granola bar.

5:36AM: the things i’ve done tonight are not things i would normally tell people i did, i think.

6:11AM: stomach is making whale noises. starting to hear distant cars. it’s always bad when you start to hear cars. wish i wanted to masturbate. i feel like, 5000 years old, like leto ii in ‘god emperor of dune.’

6:35AM: drinking unpasteurized milk mom said ‘comes right from the cow.’ holding four raspberry cookies. probably going to get seconds.

6:56AM: looked at facebook and felt sad and bewildered and like ‘shit, what did i do’ about a person i like, who has indirectly communicated negative feelings about me. ‘in my younger, wilder days’ i probably would’ve tried harder to make amends. now i accept not being liked. that’s depressing, seems like faulty logic. when you resign, you think you’re being openminded because you’re accepting something you’d rather not, but really you’re just less open to possibilities other than ‘i will feel disappointed.’ i could type more about this but it feels better not to. interesting. want to eat two egg mcmuffins and hash browns and orange juice and for it to be night all tomorrow.

8:25AM: woke feeling as bad but not worse than yesterday. ate 1mg xanax ‘for medicinal purposes.’ toasted ‘bagel thin’ condensed bagel. spread chive cream cheese on half that didn’t burn. want more sleep. smells like burning.