Zachary took some cash I had and went down to the beer store and bought us beer. I set up plates and silverware, lined up the sauces and got napkins

Ate on couch watching something

At some point I asked Zachary why he liked Beth/preferred her to me. He said she was quieter and more aloof and they had less in common/less immediate connection he felt with me, got sad/quiet, he said ‘oh no now you’re mad at me’ I said ‘not mad at all, just sad, not even about you, all of this feels sad’

At some point he said ‘you know it wouldn’t have worked out with us’ and I knew and I know and I said that too

I said ‘I don’t want to do these dishes’ as I did them and he put clean sheets on bed. Stopped doing dishes and sat on couch. Didn’t know what to do. Restarted dishes, crying some

At some point he said he wanted to ‘do good by Beth’ and not hit her like he hit Jamie and me. At some point he said he thought it’d be good that he wasn’t ‘immediately in love’ with Beth and that she was quieter, that she did printmaking. At some point it was addressed that a problem he and I had was that I didn’t like it that he thought my writing was stupid and only stupid people liked it, and it was a problem that I cared what he thought about my writing. He said Beth did printmaking and he felt indifferent about it and like he thought she wouldn’t care what he thought about it. She is currently visiting friends. He described their interactions. They haven’t had sex yet. Asked if she was pretty. He smiled and said ‘I don’t know, she looks like Rick. She has a round face. I don’t know’ and something about how I was pretty

I was collecting my things and Zachary was finishing packing. He said ‘don’t be dramatic, just wait.’ Thought about how I’d be dropping him off at Jamie’s and thought about Beth and me and him talking to beth and him having sex with me and Candace and Beth and everyone and felt shitty vomit thing in stomach. I said ‘why should I wait.’ He said ‘just, watch me, for moral support.’ Waited and walked slightly faster out the door and down the stairs. Left my beer and taco and mostly undrank beer in fridge

6:23pm: waiting for him to get something from inside

Ate 2mg Xanax. When Zachary got to car I said ‘do you want to go to my apartment.’ He said ‘yes.’ Rested hands on each other’s legs on the drive. It was hot. Zachary put on chief keef and daft punk then the music stopped. Saw his head ‘nodding off’