•  peggy wrote a paper for bobby in ‘king of the hill.’ there was some kind of rivalry with the english teacher. did sexy things with the volume off for most of it. i think at the end…at some point in the night i started putting dishes in the sink and beer cans/bottles in the trash. started to fall asleep. zachary said ‘no peg you gotta brush your teeth.’ remember feeling interested in if/how his glasses were changing something about his eyes. thought ‘shit, now i won’t be able to sleep, especially if water touches my face right now.’ something about this seemed nice. he let me go first. i washed my face. when it was his turn i ate 2mg xanax. think he suspected something.

10:36am: woke to zachary dressing. asked if he was leaving and he said he was. he leaned down to kiss me, i think. i said something about how i was glad he stayed over, it would’ve been bad if he hadn’t have been there. if i didn’t say this in the morning i said it before going to bed. remember him reacting to me saying it like i didn’t mean it. tried going back to sleep but knew it wouldn’t work. thought about zachary walking to the bus. thought ‘if i was better i would offer to drive him back to adam’s.’

10:40AM–7:46PM: had planned to go to ikea/thrift store/pet store/library but got obsessed with unpacking.

7:48pm: have eaten maybe 30mg adderall since waking. Unpacked everything and hung pictures. Looks good. Called mom. Smoking cigarette on window ledge. Have gyno appointment tomorrow 3:40pm, going back to md now to garner internet all night, write & send overdue story. Feeling good to be here. Haven’t thought about being alone since Zachary left, if I had done the other not-unpacking stuff like I had planned and came back to see still-packed boxes I would feel shitty I think.

8:35pm: showered without shower curtain. Wetness. Alvie has been hiding under the sink. Think gas hasn’t been turned on yet, water was cold. Don’t want to leave apartment, feel like this is my safe ass hobby hole. Feel at least a little better being here than at mom’s or dad’s. Thought ‘And Now: A Life (To Be Continued).’

8:40pm: looming sense of dread re potential car towing. The sign by where I parked said it would be safe until Friday. ‘Just in case’ I’m taking the paranoid measure of not bringing the box dad mistakenly packed. The box is full of slides. Because details like ‘the box was full of slides?’ That’s what matters! Oof.