9:26pm: car was there. Mom called and said ‘did you get gas?’ I said ‘no, maybe I will on the way home.’ she said ‘oh no I meant in your apartment.’ she was looking for motels for when she visits, had called to see if I knew my zip code.

9:36pm: drove back to building. Saw Colin standing at his window, I think, while I loaded boxes in car. First time I’ve been lost here. Want to be on a lot of drugs. Drug dealer texted there were ‘specials’ tonight and dad gave me $200 cash yesterday. Considering…seems too hard to pick a place in manhattan to meet…he is the one with heroin and Molly and coke…not worth it, considering it would delay me being in md and writing the story/updating this, also guilt at spending money in that way. Passed accident on side of road. Details. Not just thoughts, details also. Wheeeeee.

When I get to Maryland I ‘have to’ do story first, will post shitty update of liveblog then eat 60mg vyvanse and do story. If I stay up all night I can get a new computer tomorrow before gyno at 3:40pm. I’m saying this as like…it’s a warning to myself, if I don’t do these things I’ll feel bad. Always forget ‘in the future you’ll feel bad if you don’t ____ .’

9:49pm: something feels more manageable, looking inside of apartment, even though I don’t know what I want to do. Wonder if vice ‘will still have me.’ Passed animated highway sign that said ‘slow down’ then ‘give us a break.’

MAY 1, 2013