2:00PM: woke to emails. jordan is sick and having car problems, can’t come to baltimore today. felt sort of relieved via i seem to not be in a very good place, mentally, right now. also sad to not see him and sam. unsure if sam is still coming, assuming he’s not. jordan expressed understanding losing contact things that i had apologized for in my email, and i sympathized with his plight to do ‘can’t make it to the reading’ emails to people while feeling shitty today. have yet to respond.

2:15PM: poured cup of cold coffee. texted with colin. he used the phrase ‘i’ll create a sense of urgency’ re talking to the apartment committee people, who are slow to look at tenant applications. ‘create a sense of urgency.’ so funny, coming from colin. i would say that. ate around ten mini chocolate cadbury eggs and read note from dad that said ‘you are entitled to feel cranky’ and ‘i understand,’ re my note from last night where i apologized for acting cranky and rude, that when i don’t sleep i become sensitive to light and noise, and that my irritations were my fault, not his.

3:23PM: on bed, next to shirley. little puffy shirley. i’m sad about wandering howling alvie thumping around nervously, like he’s experiencing trauma all of the time. last night he kept looking at me like ‘i’ve lost my passport, please may i still board the plane?’ i am giving him extra long pets and saying ‘you special boy, you’re my very special alvie’ in gentle voice.

4:30PM: ate 60mg noopept, chewed a 30mg adderall with front teeth.

5:08PM: re-watched crying videos, emailed rion.

6:53PM: have been doing minimal computer things. think i need glasses. normal ‘looking at words’ face now involves squinting. typed ‘screaming’ instead of ‘squinting’ unconsciously. emailing jordan. headache has returned. ate another 30mg adderall. tolerance is shitty now. still haven’t showered. still unmotivated to do another B.D.O. thing. interested in full-body muscle atrophy, becoming some kind of cephalopod.

7:09PM: endeared by a youtube video for a chief keef song with 25 million views not having an ad.

8:03PM: finished third email response to jordan. feels really good to be talking to jordan again.

TIMES I HAVE LEFT AIR MATTRESS TODAY:

•  to get coffee

•  to get coffee refill and eat noopept

i saw myself in the mirror once, on the return-walk to air mattress room. reflection looked like ‘me: age 8,’ ‘me: age 40, heavily beaten,’ and ‘me: ageless me-looking ghost desperately trying to leave this body.’ wearing a pink hooded sweatshirt and shiny red pajama shorts.

9:28PM: called dad back. amicable phone call. he offered to bring home food again. neither of us ever know what to eat. he said he was considering arby’s because they seemed healthiest, among fast food choices, then described some of their sandwiches. he said ‘sliced turkey.’