Wednesday 30^th June

I was looking forward to seeing Lucy and meeting Albie, but I wondered how she was going to be. Had she even realized she had been a little off? Or perhaps I had said too much when we spoke the last few times.

When we got to the pub, Lucy did seem hesitant about coming over to me. I was stood with Susie and Lin; we had taken possession of one table and were hovering beside another where a couple were just finishing their drinks, so we could commandeer it and push them together.

‘What’s your tipple this evening then?’ asked Lin.

I barely heard her, I was still thinking about Lucy and whether it was going to be awkward.

‘Aisha?’ she said again, more loudly. ‘What are you drinking?’

‘Oh sorry, miles away. I’ll probably have red wine – shall we all take it in turns to get a round?’

After chatting to Helen and Ian first, then Will and Christian, Lucy finally greeted me with a stiff hug, and said she was sorry for ‘being short over text the other night’. It was evidently on her mind too. Jason was right, she could be a bit stuck up – it was likely that she had never had to struggle with anything before in her life, so a baby’s unpredictability was probably testing. I couldn’t blame her for that because she seemed to be having an especially hard time feeding Albie, but I still felt a little cautious around her, now that I’d seen her more prickly side. Lucy had come without Oscar or Albie, and seemed relieved that I was also alone, quipping: ‘I’m glad I’m not the only mum-on-the-run this evening!’

‘Oh, Jason decided to come in the end, he’s following a few minutes behind with Joni – we forgot the nappy bag so he had to go back. Rookie error!’ I joked, hoping to make her feel better if she thought that we were all making mistakes and learning on the go.

When he arrived, Jason headed straight to the bar to join Ian and Will. I followed him to retrieve the pram and manoeuvred it between chairs and tables to join our makeshift ‘buggy park’ in a corner of the pub. For a moment I had a pang to go out somewhere on my own too, unencumbered by the amount of stuff – and by that I meant the physical paraphernalia, as well as the emotional baggage – that came with a baby. Sometimes I missed our past life. It used to be so easy to pop out to this very pub with girlfriends or for a cosy after-work dinner with Jason. I had taken such things for granted for the last twenty-odd years of my life. It wouldn’t be that easy again, not for a long time. I looked across at Joni and felt guilty for even thinking this, my heart so full of love for her. It was okay, I told myself, I could wait.