Chapter Sixteen

Lucy

When I got home from town, I found a note from Oscar on the breakfast bar: ‘Popped out to meet a potential new client. Will be home by 7. O.’

I set down the two yellow Selfridges bags. I felt so exhausted, I was glad he wasn’t home. Shopping normally gave me such a buzz and today I had been fairly extravagant spending more than I planned to on 0–3 month items – some of them as pricey as adult’s clothing – but instead of feeling elated, I felt wrung out. The conversation with Aisha had left me feeling conflicted. I had planned to take one of the bags upstairs, unpack its contents and put it neatly away in the nursery, before Oscar could ask too many questions, but I felt too tired.

I took off my coat and shoes and filled the kettle before glancing at the oven clock: 4.25. I had a while before he’d be back. I made myself a peppermint tea and sat on the sofa, flicking through a magazine, but failing to properly concentrate on anything.

I felt the baby kick and decided to head upstairs. When I passed the spare room, I stopped. My legs were aching; we’d been on the go for most of the day. I sat on the edge of the spare bed and looked out of the window at the backs of the houses beyond our little garden. The buildings might be tightly packed around here, but the view was still pretty. The house directly behind ours was partially covered in ivy, and from an open window I could hear the soft tinkle of piano keys.

I took a sip from the mug of tea I’d brought upstairs with me, and looked towards the desk in the corner of the room. A piece of paper was poking out of the middle drawer of the filing cabinet beneath it, stopping it from closing properly. I stood up and gently pushed it back in. A blue folder behind it prevented it from sliding in easily. Its little plastic header caught my eye; it was written by Oscar and entitled ‘Divorce Docs’. I pulled out the file. Oscar had shown me his divorce certificate before, but I still found it morbidly fascinating to look at.

In the High Court of Justice Principal

Registry of the Family Division

Between PHILIPPA JANE BRIGHT Petitioner

And OSCAR LEOPALD BRIGHT Respondent

On 10 May 2019

I noticed goosebumps appear on my arm as I realized it was two years ago to the day. I recalled how the reason for the breakdown of this marriage had been squared at Oscar, basically for working too hard and being absent.

And now we had set up a home together. We shared a filing cabinet. A joint bank account. There was a baby on the way. Although I was very grateful for the life I had with Oscar, there would always be a niggling doubt about whether he really wanted any more children and what he would be like when the baby arrived.