‘I don’t think I’m at the mooing stage yet,’ I replied, ‘I’m more in the “get me out of here” stage right now.’

‘I’m with you,’ Lucy giggled. ‘If it wasn’t so hard to move out of this position, I’d leg it out of here with you.’ We both snorted with laughter.

‘Whoa, Lucy dear! That position isn’t necessary for you!’ Maggie suddenly exclaimed, rushing over to us, her too-wide-for-her-body-shape navy trousers flapping and revealing the top of a white towelling sports sock. ‘That’s what the birth partner would do, yes, but it isn’t safe for you to do. I’ll come and assist the pair of you. I don’t want to be responsible for any injuries – let alone early labours!’ She held up her hands and gave me a worried look, like I was about to shoot a baby out of my vagina unannounced. ‘You okay down there, Aisha?’

‘I think so. Do I stay here?’ I asked, feeling vulnerable.

‘Yes please, just for a moment Aisha. I’ll demonstrate another gentle relaxation technique on you, if you don’t mind, and then it will be Lucy’s turn.’

I rolled my eyes at Lucy and mouthed: ‘Told you.’

She winced, and mouthed back, ‘Sorry!’

At least it felt as though I had a comrade here, because all of the others seemed to be taking this extremely seriously.

Maggie turned to the group. ‘Now, don’t be embarrassed if any of you ladies fart during this exercise – either from the rectum or vagina – it’s perfectly normal to be gassy.’

At that, Lucy let out a guffaw like a schoolgirl, shooting one hand up to cover her mouth as her shoulders shook and she struggled to contain herself. It took all my strength not to collapse into giggles too – or to fart.

Maybe she was okay after all.

Chapter Seven

Lucy

Fortunately, when the relaxation demos were over and Aisha and I had composed ourselves, Maggie granted us a comfort break. We joined the others in the tea-making area and I almost wanted to hug Aisha when she pulled a packet of custard creams out of her bag.

‘I’ve been craving these,’ she smiled, offering me the packet.

I had been trying to avoid refined sugar, as a general rule, but they were exactly what I needed right now. ‘Oh yes please!’ I said. ‘I thought I was going to lose it for a moment then. It was the most bizarre thing—’

Just then Helen joined us: ‘That was so interesting, I had no idea about the mooing,’ she commented. ‘Aren’t our bodies incredible?’ She looked deadly serious. I really did not understand how a person could not find the idea of mooing remotely amusing.

‘Well I’m going to moo that hospital down!’ Susie interjected, lightening things up. I liked her, she seemed a cheery personality.

‘You’ll definitely know when Susie’s arrived,’ Lin added fondly.

‘I just hope it doesn’t happen too soon,’ I said. ‘I’ve got a lot to pack into the coming weeks. I’m not ready to turn into a full-blown sow just yet.’