‘Please, Aish, wait. Can we talk?’ he said, moving towards us.

But my disbelief had turned to anger. ‘You lying shit! Just leave me alone.’

I didn’t want to hear any more right now and somehow I summoned the energy to get away from him, not noticing or caring in which direction I was travelling, my feet barely touching the ground. Anywhere to get him out of my sight. I felt so stupid – like a fool for not acting on the sixth sense I’d had that something wasn’t right; that he was keeping something from me. But I never expected this.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Lucy

Thursday September 10^th, last year

I’d always considered myself a person who disliked surprises – loathed them, in fact. From surprise birthday parties – my worst nightmare – to opening gifts I knew I’d never use, but was too polite to ask for the receipt for. I was much better if I could prepare for something. Only some carefully planned days could occasionally turn into extraordinary days, when you least expected it. And that is what had happened.

As if going through the IVF process as a single woman wasn’t gruelling enough, the element of surprise it had involved had made me anxious all month. I had pretty much cleared my calendar, aware that I might have needed to attend the clinic for a blood test at a moment’s notice, ready to undergo IVF at exactly the right time. I had one good-quality frozen embryo and had opted for a natural cycle.

My consultant was happy with my progress that month and I was ready for the embryo transfer. I decided to wait until the last minute to book the day off so there was less likelihood of anyone knowing what I was doing. I even turned down the opportunity to chat to the clinic’s in-house counsellor because I felt so in control of my emotions and had made peace with the knowledge that I was in the hands of fate now.

When the day drew near, I booked it off work, claiming a family matter had arisen.

The day before the transfer, I left work early to pick up some treats to keep me going after the procedure, so I could rest at home and hug my belly in peace, while eating cake and drinking herbal tea.

As I walked to the Tube, taking a detour through Green Park because it was such a nice evening, I noticed a couple kissing on a bench, their legs wrapped around each other, oblivious to the constant stream of commuters marching past them. They were young and looked so loved up, so fertile. I thought about how IVF couldn’t be further removed from love-making. What a clinical way to make a baby, stripping away the romance and leaving the stark reality of a scientific experiment in its place. The whole thing was about as unsexy as a wet espadrille. So I put in my AirPods, put on a relaxing playlist and decided to think about sex as a way to somehow beautify what was going to be happening between my legs the next day.