Until that night.

My relationship with my parents had never been the same since. As I grew older, I learnt how to keep secrets from them – it was much easier to deal with life on my own than to share my problems. I’ve always felt alone in my life choices and I struggled to make friends or hold down relationships for a long time, because I didn’t find it easy to open up to people.

Until Oscar.

Just before Oscar and I officially got back together when I was pregnant, I told him about the abortion so he understood the significance of me expecting a baby again. But there the story stopped; I didn’t dare tell him any more because we were in such a good place – I didn’t want to rock the boat, and I was fearful of Oscar’s reaction.

I was already nervous about whether Oscar was really on board with a baby arriving in our lives; I didn’t want to do anything to risk losing him for a second time. Oscar was understanding and said he hoped the baby would help give me closure on what had happened all those years ago. He didn’t put two and two together like I feared he might.

Although a secret this big tortured me day and night, no one suspected anything.

I often thought about my girl, the precious ‘daughter’ I lost. She would have soon been turning 20. A year older than I was when I got pregnant. I wondered if we would have been great friends. I pictured her with dark brown hair, like her dad, and milky-white skin, like mine. Her eyes were green. She was so beautiful, a real head-turner.

And then the tears would well up in my eyes once more as I tried to picture the sun on her face, illuminating her freckles, her hair messy, sunlight dancing in her eyes, her infectious smile, but I couldn’t. I could never get that far. Because there was a blinding, bright light that started to bleach out her features and then her entire face was gone and she disappeared as if she was a star going super nova. It hurt me physically when she went from my mind.

But sometimes when she disappeared, there was another face left in her wake. His face. He had the same green eyes as her. My first true love.

I wondered if Albie would look like him too.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Aisha

I had missed several calls from Jason during the pottery class. Then he had texted:

Are you at home this morning? We need to talk. I can meet you by the bandstand on Clapham Common in 45 minutes. Please meet me there. Jx

It was now just gone 1 p.m. when I approached the bandstand area of Clapham Common. The coffee I had picked up en route was still piping hot, so I put it in the cup holder on the side of the pram and concentrated on tightening my pelvic floor, thinking I’d do my abdominal exercises all the way to the bench by the side of the bandstand and hopefully by then the coffee would be cool enough to drink.