2. We are lonely. Our symptoms include talking alone, dancing alone, and making love alone at least once a day. The symptoms of loneliness, it is possible, evidence a metaphysical hunger. The mouth on your navel is your own. You sprawl on a two-dimensional floor weeping. Your life is a series of unacknowledged sacrifices. (Only ghosts understand this.)

CREATE AN EXCLUSIVE BELIEVERS-ONLY INVITATION LIST

Invite as many open-minded Vladimirs as possible, for they are like magnets attracting the Vladimirs who are dead. Vladimirs with eighties-style haircuts will attract top-hat Vladimirs. Vladimir the plumber will attract Vladimir the swimmer. Change your name to Vladimir.

What you want is a Vladimir brigade. A mirror of the living reflecting the dead and vice versa. In the towering dusk, groaning and brushing Vladimirs. To overcome the cold one must conjure the supernatural world.

NEVER CONDUCT A SÉANCE BY YOURSELF UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO INSANE

I changed my name to Vladimir and we talked. I got the feeling of water underfoot. A version of vertigo. To overcome hunger you must swallow

without biting. I wanted to drink, yes. So I changed my name to Vladimir. I like most people named Vladimir.

SET UP A SPIRIT-FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT

The action should take place in a provincial room. The action should take place in a winter barn. The action should take place in an elevator. Do not put nails on the roads or stairs. Do not put dirt in the gasoline tanks or punch.

Let’s say you’ve gone back in time. The action should take place among the unwieldy entourages of the Grand Prince Vladimir in a time of plague, pneumonia, paranoia, intellectual starvation, spiritual exhaustion, pratfalls, missteps. It should be twelve o’clock noon; five soldiers should pass the house rapidly. The exact speed of light in a vacuum is roughly 300,000,000 meters per second.

FIVE THINGS YOU WILL NEED TO HOLD A PROPER SÉANCE

1. A CIRCULAR TABLE

Around which the skulls shall faint and float backward with the skeleton of momentum and the gaping jaws and the clinging teeth, the little red heart beating center stage. A circular route of negative and positive transgressions. A means of disappearance and peace.

2. CANDLES

Let your tar-shaped shadow stretch over the stack of Vladimir’s books. Never read by candlelight, by the way. I didn’t say sunlight. Moonlight. Fire. Your tar-shaped shadow, that double exposure. Burn red candles if you desire Vladimir in a halo of warplanes. Burn borrowed candles if you desire a Vladimir with a beautiful gangrene gaze. Break a single candlestick and burn each half if you desire the presence of a bald old mug-shot Vladimir.

3. INCENSE

Cinnamon provides energy and lures cats to the window; frankincense expands consciousness and aids in meditation; sandalwood grounds the participants and helps them to stay focused. Beware: there is such a thing as too much symbolism.

4. MUSIC

“Self-obstruction, you headed for self-abstraction.” I’m sick of that song. Play some Vladimir Padwa, it will impress your guests. Maybe his Tom Sawyer ballet or his Concerto for Two Pianos. Or maybe play a DJ Vlad (Vladimir Lyubovny) mash-up mixtape remix.